Straight Up and Dirty: A Memoir by Stephanie Klein Read Free Book Online Page B

Clapper.

    You have to live life with unanswered questions—there isn’t always an answer for “Why?” In my case, people panted sentences, and rounded them off with “there’s a reason for everything.” Doors slam, windows open suddenly, and “meant to be” flies in and sticks like marmalade on the sill of your life. People want to wrap lessons around things and tie them with ribbons of hope. “It will make you stronger.” We tell ourselves things and convince ourselves to make sense of the senseless. We feel better when we have concrete answers to grip, even if they’re wrong. They’re ours, something to hold onto, like a ledge. The problem with ledges, of course, is eventually you fall from them. After I’d been living with Smelly for three weeks, Gabe did just that: he hit rock bottom and wanted me back at all costs.
     
    Everything changed when I’d remained strong and refused to return his phone calls. He showed up with the words I wanted to hear. “Call the rabbi. I’ll marry you right now. My life is miserable without you, Stephanie. Please come home.” He was terrified of losing me, and that fear of loss would keep him faithful till death us do part.

    Or not.
     
    He should have wanted to marry me because he wanted me, not because he was afraid of loss. But he let fear govern his decision, which usually leads to regret. Our best decisions are made from a place of joy—they should be things we’re eager to do. Hearing the peace and liquid strength in Electra’s voice, I realized that. She didn’t use “meant to be” as an excuse. She didn’t use it at all. It was just fact, her deepest sense of right. Despite William’s tardiness to their wedding, she never doubted what her senses told her. She knew it was meant to be, and fear had no place in her marriage to William.

    I know this now, but when I was with Gabe, I was too busy convincing myself he was just a boy afraid of an idea. I believed his “not ready yet” came from his fear of his parents’ reaction. Deep down he wanted me to be his partner, but he was just frightened of what others would think of his decision. I didn’t think it was the other way around—that really he didn’t want to be married yet, but he was afraid of disappointing me, of losing me. Because when he did lose me, when I stayed with Smell, he felt lost. He came to me with “I choose you. You are what I want!” And I took his hand, thinking we could face his fears together. I would be his partner in that. I thought he’d get over his fear of marriage once we were actually married, and he learned people were actually supportive. It was just the idea that scared him. That had to be it, because really, what would change? We’d still be living in our apartment, have the same friends, do the same things. Only once we married, it would no longer be just between the two of us. Now there would be family to support us, to help us honor the vows we’d made to each other.
     
    Or not.

     

    THE CHURCH WAS OVERFLOWING WITH FAMILY, AND William was where he belonged, at the front of the church, beside Electra’s brothers and the other groomsmen, waiting for the love of his life to arrive. She was an aisle’s distance away, and as I walked down it in front of her, tears began to slip down my face. I didn’t care who saw. William’s face was eager and flooded with joy. I didn’t know how many wedding dates they’d tried to set, only that this one was meant to be. They would be okay.
     
    After our August wedding was canceled, Gabe and I tried just being us for a while, in our apartment, ordering in burgers, watching movies in bed. We were going to be okay, but things with his parents were not.

    I had put down the wedding deposit money my family had given me. When Gabe wanted to call off the wedding, his parents told him it was okay, that he should follow those feelings and not worry about the money I’d lose.
     
    “We’ll reimburse her,” they had promised.