Substitute for Love by Karin Kallmaker Read Free Book Online Page B

get your certification to teach. What will you do in the meantime?”
    She was going to cry, so she turned her back and busied herself with the sink. “I stopped at the market. There’s pesto hummus.”
    “Did you get apples?”
    He didn’t appear to notice her choked voice. “No, I didn’t know we were out.”
    It was his sigh that broke a wall Holly didn’t know she spent daily energy reinforcing. Quietly, she said, “Clay?”
    “Yeah, babe.”
    “Do you like the way the house is always tidy and clean? Do you like the way I keep the bills paid and our accounts in balance?”
    “Of course.” His voice was muffled — he was looking for the hummus in the fridge.
    “But it doesn’t count in the grand scheme of higher existence, does it?” She turned from the sink and met his gaze as he shut the refrigerator door.
    “As we’ve discussed many times, no, they’re necessary evils. Tasks laid on us by an overextended society — paying taxes and interest charges—”
    “The only interest we pay is on our mortgage.”
    He paused, his teaching face in full evidence. Then he arched his eyebrows as if to inquire if she was done interrupting him. “I’m speaking in generalities. These tasks don’t make anyone a better person. If anything, they rob us of our essential humanity.”
    Very quietly, she echoed, “Us?” A thought seared across her mind: This is all Jo’s fault.
    “All of us.”
    “But you don’t do any of those things. You taught me that doing one’s own household chores is a way to remain in touch with how much space you take up and how many resources you absorb as you go through life, but you no longer do any. And you haven’t written a check in at least five years.”
    He cocked his head to one side, as if puzzling through an illogical statement.
    “I do them all. I’m the one getting robbed of my essential humanity. Is it any wonder I can’t seem to get closer to your definition of Nirvana?” Her voice rose. God, she was almost shouting, but she couldn’t stop. “It’s better for the planet to fix things, but who’s the one who finds a place that will actually repair a hedge trimmer? Of course it’s better to mend a sweater instead of throwing it away — but when is the last time you threaded a needle? I work hard to help you live simply according to your values, but who does that for me?”
    The patient smile — it put her back to the first class she’d ever taken in college.
    Aunt Zinnia didn’t want her to be there, but short of defying the strong advice of both her high school principal and their minister, she couldn’t refuse the educational opportunities that Holly’s bright mind deserved. Holly loved the Irvine campus. She was only sixteen, and she was taking a sophomore-level calculus class. To balance the math, she was also taking “Age of Advertising,” a social criticism course. She was answering a question — Professor Hammond made her so nervous. He looked at her so intently. His patient smile said she was on the wrong track with her answer, but he would help her find her way. He listened to every word she said and even if her answer was wrong, she felt important to him.
    Aunt Zinnia had made her feel twelve again, and now Clay was making her feel sixteen. Why was it Jo’s voice that persisted in her head? But how do you really feel, Holly?
    “I need an answer, Clay. Who does that for me?”
    “We all have our role to play, Holly. Everyone has their own part.”
    Quietly again, finally hearing the edge to her voice, she said, “Are you saying this is my lot in life?”
    “Holly, you’re getting all mixed up.”
    He was crossing the room toward her, with that patient smile on his lips. She wasn’t sixteen anymore, and that smile, the compassionate criticism in his eyes — they no longer had the same effect.
    He put his arms around her. “You made a rash decision, but I do know that when you give yourself a chance to think about your options, you will come up