Surrender in Silk by Susan Mallery Read Free Book Online Page B

it.”
    “That’s what the psychiatrist told me you’d said.”
    “So much for confidential patient information.”
    “You aren’t a patient. You were being debriefed. Dammit, Jamie, you killed one man and watched another die. You have to talk about it.”
    She would have been fine if he hadn’t called her Jamie. “You never said my name before,” she whispered.
    “Sorry. Sanders.”
    “No, ‘Jamie’ is fine. I—Do we have to talk about it?”
    “Yes.”
    She swallowed. She didn’t want to even think about it. The horror was too great. Seventy-two hours later, she could still see the man falling to the ground. She could still feel the recoil of the pistol and the way her stomach had clenched and rebelled. She could see Havers’s body lying there.
    When she’d spoken with the agency psychiatrist, she’d answered questions about the mission and her part in it. When the elderly man had tried to bring up the killing, Jamie hadn’t wanted to talk about it. She still didn’t.
    “It wasn’t what you thought,” Zach said, still standing behind her. “You imagined killing someone, but it was different.”
    “Yes,” she whispered.
    She’d slammed the door shut on those thoughts, but his words opened it a crack. The first flicker of feeling swept through her, and she shuddered.
    “You’re surprised because the killing is easy. It’s the forgetting that’s so hard.”
    She turned to face him. He was close enough to touch. Large and looming, but he didn’t frighten her. Not anymore. “How do you know?”
    “I’ve been there, Jamie. I want to tell you it gets easier. In a way, it does. But just when you think you won’t have to pay a price again, a death will hit you hard. Then you deal with it all over again.”
    She had thought of him as uncaring, mean-spirited, even cruel. But at this moment, he was the kindest man she’d ever known.
    “I can’t close my eyes,” she said. “I don’t see him falling anymore. But I can’t sleep. I’m afraid I’ll dream. I’m not sorry he’s dead. I just didn’t think—”
    Zach reached up and stroked her face. His fingers brushed away tears. She touched her other cheek, shocked she was crying.
    She spun away. “I’m sorry. I never cry.” She blinked hard, but the tears continued to fall.
    “It’s okay.”
    “No, it’s not. I’m stronger than this.” She tried to control her breathing. It didn’t help. A sob caught her off guard. She clutched the window frame.
    “You don’t have to be tough all the time,” he said.
    “Yeah, I do. I can’t—” Oh, God, she couldn’t break down in front of Zach. “Please leave,” she murmured.
    Instead of leaving, he put his hands on her shoulders. She tried to shrug him off, but he ignored her efforts. He turned her and gathered her close, pulling her into his embrace.
    She resisted, hating her weakness, hating herself for wanting to give in and borrow his strength.
    “Hush, Jamie,” he said softly. “It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone.”
    He knew her better than she knew herself. A sob overtook her, and she sagged against him. His arms came around her. He held her tightly, as if he feared she might be torn away from him. She cried until she was drained and empty.
    Gradually she became aware of his body close to hers. Somehow during her outburst, he’d moved them both to the sofa. He was sitting in the corner with her curled up next to him. His arms held her close. She could hear the steady sound of his heart and feel the rise and fall of his chest. He smelled masculine and tempting. Very tempting.
    The first trickle of desire was easily explained away. The second was more difficult. Then the trickle turned into a flood and she had to stiffen to keep from reaching out to him. Without thinking, without wanting to, she raised her head to look at him.
    His dark eyes brightened with a fire she’d never seen before. A muscle twitched in his cheek.
    “Dammit, Jamie, don’t look at me like