Surviving Regret by Megan Smith Read Free Book Online Page A

was not paying attention to the music, which was nearly impossible or he’d chosen to tune it out as the memories of that night plague him as well.
    Macy leaned back and looked up at me with tear- filled eyes, “Landon,” she took a shuddering breath. “Do you hear it?”
    Goosebumps broke out across my body, she remembered that exact second of the night that changed our lives forever. She pictured the dark, visualized the scene of the accident and the horrific ending.
    “I’ll be back,” I told Macy, not looking her in the eyes when I said it. I couldn’t, I was barely holding on right then. I knew if I looked at her and saw the pain I knew was there I’d lose it. Macy didn’t deserve that tonight.
    I thought I knew where Madison had gone when she ran from the room; she was looking for an escape just like I was. After I checked some classrooms I came across the janitor’s closet.
    I knocked on the door and after a few seconds it opened slowly and Madison was before me cast in the shadows. As I stepped into the closet and shut the door behind me the pungent smell from the weed she was smoking invaded my senses. Smoke floated between us, the constant ache seemed to fade just a little as I thought about taking a hit from the joint. The pain will never go completely away but it seemed manageable when I was drunk and high. Madison and I shared a bond that others didn’t. Or maybe it was guilt we shared that we simply confused in our minds as a bond? They didn’t cause the accident. We did. We were the two who caused everyone else’s pain.
    The only way I could survive day-to-day was to smoke, to drink, to numb the sounds of that night away.
    The bass of the hip-hop song pumped in the background. I smiled at Madison as I pushed off from the wall. Finally, everything was quiet and all I heard was the sound of our breathing. I swayed at first, I was drunk, numb, as usual. I twisted around and started dancing, shaking my ass to the beat of the music and chuckled. I was working it, doing the butterfly and all kinds of crazy shit. I fell backwards against the brooms when I tried to spin around once more losing my footing. Madison laughed so hard she snorted. It was exactly what I was trying to do. I needed us to forget about that night if even just for a few minutes. Every laugh those days counted, precious reminders as to who we should have been rather than the reality of who we were right now.
    I stepped forward. My left hand reached out to touch Madison’s hips as she moved and brought her against me. She wasn’t mine to touch, but I did anyway, testing a boundary that should never be tested. I touched because it was what I wanted right then and there. Fuck everything but that moment. I knew what I was doing when I leaned in. She did too. You can’t tell me we didn’t know and have me believe you.
    My mind faded, it was like looking through fog, trying to breathe in the thickest of smoke and see through the darkest of nights. I didn’t want to see right then. I wanted to be blind. Lock me in that broken down house. Make me lie on the floor. Make me cold. Make me anything but alive to feel the pain.
    When I blinked, it was Macy with me and then it just as quickly faded back to Madison. I could have stopped right then and nothing would have changed. It was just a kiss. But what did I want? What did she want?
    Madison gave me what I was looking for, the peace and quiet. She’d let me lie on that floor, hell she’d be lying right next to me. She didn’t ask for anything in return. Just let me take what I wanted in the moment to numb me.
    Everything seemed different. It wasn’t the normal sweet tasting kiss. The high and alcohol was really messing with me. I wondered if Madison felt it too. She had to of. My tongue moved against hers. I grunted, pushed her small delicate body against the wall.
    She groaned and pushed down against my leg harder. I gripped her ass in my hands, and raised her up so her legs were