Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life by Rachel Renée Russell Read Free Book Online Page A

insanely STUPID things.
     
    I think I had an attack of this very debilitating disease on my way home from school today.
     
    I thought for sure I saw a tiny, cute cell phone thingy that clips around your ear lying on the sidewalk near our mailbox.
     
    I was like, SWEET!! A FREE cell phone thingy! It’s ALL GOOD!
     
    But when I took a closer look, it was kind of a bright peachy color.
     
    I guessed that what I had found was actually a HEARING AID.
     
    Of course, I was devastated when I finally figured this out, because I was really pumped about having found a free cell phone thingy just lying there on the sidewalk.
     
    I figured it probably belonged to Mrs. Wallabanger, the little old lady who lives next door.
     
    I suspected she was hard of hearing because for the past few days, whenever I said “Good morning” to her on my way to school, she would ask me to repeat what I said like seven times.
     
    She has a scrawny lil’ Yorkie named Creampuff, and she walks him twice a day.

    Creampuff looks like a fuzzy ball of lint on four legs, but he’s as vicious as a Doberman.
     
    Anyway, I spent five minutes trying to decide whether or not to knock on Mrs. Wallabanger’s door and ask if she had lost her hearing aid. But I figured if she HADN’T, it would be a waste of my time and energy. And if she HAD, it would be an EVEN BIGGER waste of my time and energy. I was right. This is what happened:

WHAT I SAID
WHAT SHE SAID
Hi, Mrs. Wallabanger. I just stopped by to ask if you lost your hearing aid?
What did you say, missy?
Your HEARING AID!! Is it lost?
Eh? Speak up, why don’t cha?
Did you lose your HEARING AID?!
Eh? You say, I need to lose my HAIRY LEGS…?!!
HEARING AID!! HEARING AID!!
Don’t get fresh with me, you little whippersnapper!! My HAIRY LEGS are NONE of your BEESWAX. GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!
    I was like, “Never mind!” My little chat with Mrs. Wallabanger did NOT go well. So I figured I’d just hold on to her hearing aid for a while. Since she only comes out of her house to walk her dog, what’s the WORST that could happen?!

    “Hey, lady! Be careful! Don’t step in that big pile of…!”

    “Creampuff, dear, is that sound the mating call of the yellow-bellied swamp goose?!”

    “Didn’t you hear me, ma’am? I said, watch out for the WET CEMENT!!”
    Okay, so maybe the WORST that could happen is Mrs. Wallabanger gets run over by a semitruck!
     
    But could you really say it was MY fault?!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
    Today, my social studies teacher, Mr. Simmons, reminded the class that our project on how recycling can help stop global warming is due on Monday. I didn’t have the slightest idea what I was going to do. I figured I’d just wait until my creative juices started flowing and come up with something the night before, like I always do.
     
    Anyway, at lunchtime, I saw a group of CCP girls crowded around MacKenzie raving about her brand-new Prada cell phone. And, get this! She had a cell phone thingy clipped on her ear that looked almost identical to the hearing aid I had found.
     
    Even though I was starting to feel a little guilty about keeping Mrs. Wallabanger’s hearing aid, I suddenly got this fantastically brilliant idea for my social studies project. My project was going to:
     
    1. encourage recycling to cut down on pollution
     
    2. help stop global warming by reducing the numberof “hot air bags” yakking nonstop on cell phones
     
    3. boost my popularity at school by making everyone think I owned an expensive new cell phone thingy, just like MacKenzie’s
     
    I borrowed my dad’s video camera and taped my project.
    HOW TO MAKE A FAUX CELL PHONE THINGY FROM AN OLD HEARING AID (A Social Studies Project by NIKKI MAXWELL)
    Hi, I’m Nikki, and I’m going to show you how to make a faux cell phone thingy from an old hearing aid. The word “faux” is pronounced “pho,” as in “phony.” It’s a French word snobby people use that means “fake” or