The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman, Jocelyn Green Read Free Book Online Page B

treasured his written words of affirmation so much that now, even when he is home, he buys her two or three cards at a time. “I love it!” said Marlene. “I have a rack up in my office where I keep all his cards. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reread them all.”
    I learned an important lesson about words of affirmation and love languages years ago in Little Rock, Arkansas. My visit with Bill and Betty Jo was on a beautiful spring day. They lived off base in a cluster home with white picket fence, green grass, and spring flowers in full bloom. It was idyllic. Once inside, however, I discovered the idealism ended. Their marriage was in shambles. Twelve years and two children after the wedding day, they wondered why they had married in the first place. The only thing they really agreed on was that they both loved the children. As the story unfolded, my observation was that Bill was a workaholic who had little time left over for Betty Jo. Betty Jo worked part-time, mainly to get out of the house. Their method of coping was withdrawal. They tried to put distance between themselves so their conflicts would not seem as large. But the gauge on both love tanks read “empty.”
    They told me they had been going for marriage counseling but didn’t seem to be making much progress. They were attending my marriage seminar, and I was leaving town the next day. This would likely be my only encounter with Bill and Betty Jo. I decided to put everything on the table.
    I spent an hour with each of them separately. I listened intently to both stories. I discovered that in spite of the emptiness of their relationship and their many disagreements, they appreciated certain things about each other. Bill acknowledged, “She is a good mother. She also is a good housekeeper and an excellent cook when she chooses to cook. But,” he continued, “there is simply no affection coming from her. I work my tail off and there is simply no appreciation.” In my conversation with Betty Jo, she agreed Bill was an excellent provider. “But,” she complained, “he does nothing around the house to help me, and he never has time for me. What’s the use of having the house, the recreational vehicle, and all the other things if you don’t ever get to enjoy them together?”
    With that information, I decided to focus my advice by making only one suggestion to each of them. I told Bill and Betty Jo separately that each one held the key to changing the emotional climate of the marriage. “That key,” I said, “is to express verbal appreciation for the things you like about the other person and, for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.” We reviewed the positive comments they had already made about each other and helped each of them write a list of those positive traits. Bill’s list focused on Betty Jo’s activities as a mother, housekeeper, and cook. Betty Jo’s list focused on Bill’s hard work and financial provision of the family. We made the lists as specific as possible. Betty Jo’s list included:
     
    • He has received several promotions through the years.
    • He is always thinking of ways to improve his productivity.
    • He’s a good financial manager.
    • He bought us a recreational vehicle three years ago.
    • He keeps up with the yard work or hires someone to do it.
    • He is generous with finances.
    • He agrees I can use the money from my part-time job any way I desire.
    Bill’s list included:
     
    • She keeps our house clean and orderly.
    • She cooks dinner about three days a week.
    • She buys the groceries.
    • She helps the children with their homework.
    • She transports the children to school and church activities.
    • She teaches first-grade Sunday school.
    • She takes my clothes to the cleaners.
    I suggested they add to the lists things they noticed in the weeks ahead. I also suggested that twice a week, they select one positive trait and express verbal