The Bars That Hold Us by Shelly Pratt Read Free Book Online Page B

to be the most powerful thought that steals its way into my head, time and time again.
    I can never be Saxon Miles who was the Driller for a big oil company ever again. I will never be the loved son whose parents were so proud of him either.
    I am Saxon Miles the prisoner, convicted killer, lost brother and a disappointment for a son. All I can do now is try to find my way forward, despite being caged with animals that possess an inherent difference – they don’t love the way I do.

#7

    Women never forget their first love, no matter how badly it has ended. It’s not the infatuation kind, the lust-filled kind or the brief, whirlwind kind. It’s the kind of love where, you’re away from them and you have a negative physical reaction. You feel… lost, and sick—miserable, almost. I guess I was a little late to the party. I didn’t fall in love until I was twenty-four. Many years later it ended badly. And no, I will never forget Daniel.
    My new job was supposed to be a way that I could exist, stumble through life without feeling anything, without dealing with anyone, so that I could pay the mortgage and put food, that I wasn’t going to eat, on the table.
    Instead, I’m left feeling horribly confronted and vexed. I can’t describe it, but the way he looked at me was… ambitious. Like he wasn’t going to just stand there and be looked over. And how could I when he looked like that? I may be a grieving widow, but I’m human, too. It’s hard not to stare when someone like that commands your attention.
    But I’m resilient. And stubborn. And sane . Sane people do not give prisoners a second look. It’s people like him, who kill people like Daniel.
    So because of the way he looked at me, and because of the way I want to look at him, I’m going to make sure I stay the hell away from his cell.
    I like the predictable routine of prison. I imagine it’s like raising children. When inmates know what our expectations are, they’re easier to meet. It doesn’t ensure the days pass without disruption, but for the most part we maintain order.
    I’m standing at my post during lunch service, staring seemingly into space, but I see everything. The looks, the smirks, the too-loud comments that accompany lewd gestures intended to unnerve me and make me feel weak. I know weak. Grief makes me weak, but these prisoners do not. They think they will break me, but how can they do that when I’m already shattered? The only thing that can hurt me more than these people trying to pull me apart is if someone wanted to put me back together. To do that, I would have to let go of the past, and that would be like losing Daniel all over again.
    I sense eyes on me, but I’m not about to give in and look. He can stare all he likes, but he will not tempt me into any kind of reciprocation. So I just stand there, stern and unwilling to be lulled into the despair that is these people’s lives. I have enough of my own despair to contend with.
    I look at my watch. There’s only five minutes left of their chow time before the prisoners are to be escorted outside for mandatory recreation. I’m just about to get ready to move when Karl skirts the outside of the metal tables. I’ve already learned that he’s a stickler for policy and procedures. Nothing wrong with a company man, but he tends to take things to the extreme.
    ‘Cole.’ He refers to me by surname, as most of the guards do in here.
    ‘Fisher.’ I acknowledge him with a slight nod of my head, eyes still trained on the masses.
    ‘We’ve had Vic go home sick, so we’re a man down until the evening shift get s here. Clarence has requested you escort prisoners Miles and Hennegan to the visitors block near section G. You’ll be on your own; do you think you can handle that?’
    ‘Sure, no problem, I’ve been there before.’
    ‘Just watch yourself with Hennegan.’
    ‘I’ll be fine.’
    ‘Good. I’ll see you back on F Block when you guys are done there.’
    He leaves me to go