itâs going to be âso amazing,â etc.
(In the interest of full disclosure, I also searched her email for my name, but aside from an occasional ping regarding the aforementioned birthdays and travel, there was nothing.)
I am sorry and embarrassed that I have to even ask you for money for this endeavor. The truth is while Iâm doing pretty well, all things considered, I donât have the liquidity necessary for this journey. Olive will be embarrassed that I put all of this online, but maybe a dose of shame will do her some goddamned good.
If you sense a tone of resentment to this entire project, thatâs because I have to go chasing after my wretchedly ungrateful wastrel of a sibling into another dimension to tell her that our parents are dead.
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Stretch Goals
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Anything over $5,229 is welcome and will be donated to a TBD mental health charity.
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How Will I Spend the Money?
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Hereâs how the costs will break down:
$36.95: Bus ticket to Bethlehem.
$176.05: Cost of ingredients (salt, sage, cypress branch, matches, mandrake, yew, chalk) to summon the necessary portal.
$16: The cheapest bottle of whiskey that I can force myself to drink.
$5,000: A one-time fee, for crossing.
Risks and Challenges
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The land of the dead is the land of the dead. Sometimes people donât come back.
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FAQ
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Do you remember when Olive was born?
I remember the time my mother had Braxton-Hicks contractionsâthe fake kindâand I went to the hospital with her and my father, and the doctor informed her that she wasnât really in labor. As we left the hospital, I went into hysterics, because Iâd been promised a baby sister and one had not been delivered to me. We walked past a woman who was holding her own baby, and I lunged toward her howling âTHAT one! I want THAT one!â My parents had to carry me out as I screamed. But of Oliveâs actual birth, I remember nothing.
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How did your parents die?
You know how there was that SUV recall recently, because the brakes in some of their cars were failing for no reason, causing a series of high-profile, deadly accidents? I wish that was how they died. No, my father shot my mother through her left eye and then turned the gun on himself. Nobody knows why.
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Who found their bodies?
I came over for dinner. Olive had been invited, too, but she backed out at the last minute. She said she had âstuff to do.â Which honestly is better than her arriving two hours late with a weird dude in tow. Anyway, thank God she wasnât there.
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When was the last time you spoke to Olive?
I donât remember.
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When was the first time you spoke to Olive?
I donât remember.
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What is your biggest regret?
In order from greatest to least: being born, having a little sister, not being adopted, caring at all.
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What is your biggest fear?
Genetics.
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Pledge $5 or more
⢠9 backers
A thank-you email from Olive, which I will make her deliver.
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Pledge $20 or more
⢠52 backers
A small gift from the land of the deadâa pebble or a twig or a finger or somethingâwhich I will deliver in a small, sealed jar. KEEP IT IN THE JAR.
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Pledge $50 or more
⢠1 backer
I will send you salt from my personal tears, in crystal form (hand-evaporated). Grinder optional.
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Pledge $100 or more
⢠1 backer
I will drive my sister to your house, where you can ask her any question. Limited to the contiguous United States.
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Pledge $500 or more
⢠0 backers
You will receive an exclusive copy of my and Oliveâs life story, written with my own hands, and complete with a happy, narratively satisfying ending detailing the success of our journey.
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Update #1 ⢠Jun 26, 2015
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Starting Out
I know I havenât hit my funding goal yet, but Iâm just going to put it on a credit card and pray. Iâm on a bus to Bethlehem,