The Body Language Rules by Judi James Read Free Book Online Page A

fiddling or wriggling

    I Smooth, emphatic gestures hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 47

    if youR TARgeT quAliTy is CAlm Your body language tools are:

    I measured breathing

    I Smooth, synchronized body movements

    I Lowered shoulders, not tensed or hunched

    I no fiddling

    I Sitting back in your seat

    I elbows on the arms of the chair

    I hands lightly clasped

    Does modifying your body language like this make you a liar? Shouldn't you just "be yourself"? Isn't this conning people and acting false or not being true to type?

    Honing or changing your body language signals is part of a natural process . You learned most of it by imitation and there's nothing wrong with adding to your repertoire . You'd feel happy about learning new words to express yourself, so why not new gestures?

    Another fact of body language is that when you feel that you're "being yourself" you probably aren't . Most people I coach are mortified when they first see their own body language on TV because it's not what they thought they were doing and not what they intended to say . They make changes because they're not putting the right message across .

    One of the key changes I made to my own body language was to stop looking shy . I am shy and I feel 48 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

    shy but shyness doesn't work in my job . Worse still, it was getting misinterpreted . People assumed I was being stuck-up or arrogant .

    STeP TWO: PLAy TO yOUR STRengThS When you target your image goals make sure you pick the right set of competencies . Look at your own USPs (unique selling points) and try to enhance them, rather than suppressing or deleting them . Tweaking is good but industrial-strength masking is not . It's hard to perform and the cracks will start to show .

    Here's how your body language works as a communi- cation tool:

    I you talk to someone .

    I While you're talking you gesticulate or pull a face .

    I They see you do this .

    So far, so simple . But of course the whole process is far more complex than that . What happens next is something called "cognitive algebra," which is the term used to describe the following process of assessment via visual recognitions:

    1 . Stage one: scanning . This is when you're being generally

    looked at . You employ a gesture . Let's say you

    fold your arms . This is the stage called "creating

    stimulus ." You did it, they saw it . If the pair of you hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 49

    went to court you could both swear on a stack of

    Bibles that's what you did . 2 . Stage two: focusing . Your "listener" starts to take

    notice, consciously analyzing the stimulus

    you've produced . 3 . Stage three: comprehension . Consciously or subcon-

    sciously the "listener" searches for meaning in what

    you did . What is this gesture telling them? That

    you're cold? Or angry? Are you nervous? Or have

    you just realized you forgot to wear underwear?

    By now the communication has gone out of

    your control . 4 . Stage four: assimilation . Your listener starts to link

    what they have seen to memories . This is the

    conscious evaluation process . Based on previous

    experiences of your gesture your listener is going

    to make judgments on your personality or mood .

    The listener is rummaging through their memory

    banks to form connections, meaning they're trying

    to create understanding by relating this to a time

    when they've seen this gesture before and remem-

    bering what it meant when they did . As you can

    gather, this is a very flawed way of assimilating

    information, especially when it comes to body

    language . What if they have poorly evaluated their

    past experiences? 50 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

    5 . Stage five: response . This could be along the lines of:

    "I had a teacher once who always folded her arms

    when she was telling me off . I therefore dislike

    this man because I feel he's being dictatorial and

    domineering