Barnes, the Nigel Barnes, said I was brilliant! I try to appear unflustered by this and reply with a classic non sequitur. âYes, sheâs not bad.â
We have arrived at the closed conference room, but Nigel shows no signs of eagerness to make the meeting. Perhaps he is such a star here that his job is assured, whereas I, like any editor, can be replaced with a phone call.
âSo whatâs she like in person?â he asks. âBelinda, I mean.â
âWell, sheâs very tall,â I begin, uncertain whether itâs her physical beauty heâs interested in.
âOh?â He makes a curious face. âFreakish Guinness Book of World Records tall or model tall?â
âModel tall,â I say quickly. âDefinitely not freakish. And she has long red hair . . .â
âYes, yes,â he says, with a dismissive wave of his hand. âI can tell all that from her photo. I mean, whatâs she really like? Is she as laid back as she claims? Or is she actually a witch? Does she sleep around? Or is she perhaps a lesbian?â
âLesbian!â I scream as if Iâve just seen a centipede.
âYou have something against lesbians?â
âNo. No Iâm perfectly fine with lesbians. Itâs just that I never thought of her in that way.â
âSo she sleeps around, then? Lots of men, is it?â
âNo!â
âYou mean sheâs a virgin?â
âWhat?â I have to slap my hands to my ears. This is nuts. Belinda Apple doesnât even exist and now sheâs a lesbian whore with a Madonna complex.
âIâm sorry,â he says, smiling. âI suppose what Iâm trying to find out is whether it would be acceptable for me to, you know, look her up. I do travel to London quite a bit.â
Look her up. My heart skips a few beats.
âI meanââhe hesitates, stumblingââIâm asking if . . . if sheâs seeing anyone.â
And then the sweetness wears off and the truth hits me. This pompous Princeton half-professor is talking to me like Iâm an automated gatekeeper to the fantasyland that is Belinda Apple. Oooh, I so hate that. This has been my role since high school when my close friend Constance Maxwellâthe concert pianist, the blond-wavy-haired, couldâve-been-a-cheerleader-but-was-too-smart Constance Maxwellâdrew boys to me like dogs to roadkill.
Was Connie seeing anyone? Did she like so and so? Did I think sheâd go out with him? Could I put in a good word for him?
âWe donât delve into her personal life much,â I snap, a mischievous scheme popping into my head. âBesides, sheâs quite preoccupied these days, what with Wills and all that. Royalty can be sooo demanding.â
âBy Wills, you mean Prince William?â Nigel looks as though heâs swallowed an egg.
âWhoops! I shouldnât have said that. Then again, I suppose itâs obvious, with her living at Balmoral . . .â
âBalmoral!â This elicits an even more satisfactory reaction. Nigel is practically salivating. âIâve always wanted to go to Balmoral. I have quite a bit of Scottish blood in me, you know. My father was a MacLeod.â
âReally?â What the hell is a MacLeod?
âIâd give anything for a chance to stay at Balmoral. Iâve already been to Deeside. Lovely area, absolutely lovely. Umââthe wheels in Nigelâs brain are clickingââI do wonder if thereâs a chance she might fancy a visit from the likes of me.â
âYou?â
âWell, I am rather famous, arenât I? I mean dozens of women write to me every day. They even send me their knickers.â
âThatâs nasty.â
âAnd I am a professor at Princeton. Thereâs some cachet in that. What do you think? Do you think I would pass? I mean, not to your American standards, rather to Belindaâs higherâer, British