The Complete Enderby by Anthony Burgess Read Free Book Online Page A

she owned the place, which she did. ‘It’s really to empty the shillings out of the electric meter,’ she said, ‘which is, in one way of speaking, why I called. In another way of speaking, it’s about the complaints.’ She went ahead of Enderby into the living-room. At the table she examined minutely the remains of Enderby’s breakfast, shook her head comically at them and then, picking up the pickle-jar, read from the label like a priest muttering the Mass: ‘Sugar cauliflower onions malt vinegar tomatoes carrots spirit vinegar gherkins dates salt marrow …’
    ‘What complaints?’ asked Enderby, as he was expected to.
    ‘New Year’s Eve,’ said Mrs Meldrum, ‘being a special occasion as calls for jollifications, nevertheless Mrs Bates down in the basement has complained about loud singing when she couldn’t go off to sleep with the backache. Your name came into it a lot, she says, especially in the very rude singing. On New Year’s Day you was seen running up and down the street with a carving-knife and all covered with blood. Well, Mr Enderby, fun’s fun as the saying goes, though I must confess I’m surprised at a man of your age. But the police had a quiet word with Mr Meldrum, unbeknownst to me, and I could only get it out of him last night, him being shy and retiring and not wanting to cause trouble. Anyway, we’ve had a talk about it and it can’t go on, Mr E.’
    ‘I can explain,’ said Enderby, looking at his watch. ‘It’s all really quite simple.’
    ‘And while we’re on the subject,’ said Mrs Meldrum, ‘that nice young couple upstairs. They say they can hear you in the night sometimes.’
    ‘I can hear
them
,’ said Enderby, ‘and they’re
not
a nice young couple.’
    ‘Well,’ said Mrs Meldrum, ‘that’s all according as which way one looks at it, isn’t it? To the pure all things are pure, as you might say.’
    ‘What, Mrs Meldrum, is this leading to?’ Enderby looked again at his watch. In the last thirty seconds five minutes had gone by. Mrs Meldrum said:
    ‘There’s plenty as would like this nice little flat, Mr E. This is a respectable neighbourhood, this is. There’s retired schoolmasters and captains of industry retired along here. And I wouldn’t say as how you kept this flat all that clean and tidy.’
    ‘That’s my business, Mrs Meldrum.’
    ‘Well, it may be your business, Mr E, but then again it might not. And everybody’s putting the rents up this year, as you may as well know. What with the rates going up as well and all of us having to watch us own interests.’
    ‘Oh, I see,’ said Enderby. ‘That’s it, is it? How much?’
    ‘You’ve had this very reasonable,’ said Mrs Meldrum, ‘as nobody can deny. You’ve had this at four guineas a week all through the season. There’s one gentleman as works in London as is very anxious to find respectable accommodation. Six guineas to him would be a very reasonable rent.’
    ‘Well, it’s not a very reasonable rent to me, Mrs Meldrum,’ said Enderby angrily. His watch-hand leapt gaily forward. ‘I have to go now,’ he said. ‘I’ve a train to catch. Really,’ he said, shocked, ‘do you realize that that would be eight guineas more a month? Where would I get the money?’
    ‘A gentleman of independent means,’ said Mrs Meldrum smugly. ‘If you don’t want to stay, Mr E, you could always give a week’s notice.’
    Enderby saw with horror the prospect of sorting out the bathful of manuscripts. ‘I’ll have to go now,’ he said. ‘I’ll let you know. But I think it’s an imposition.’
    Mrs Meldrum made no move. ‘You go off then and catch your train,’ she said, ‘and think about it in your first-class carriage. And I’ll empty the shillings out of the meter, as has to be done now and again. And if I was you I should stack those plates in the sink before you leave.’
    ‘Don’t touch my papers,’ warned Enderby. ‘There are private and confidential papers in that bathroom.