The Confession of Brother Haluin by Ellis Peters Read Free Book Online Page A

knows!”
    Brother
Cadfael was none too pleased at being called in witness, and none too happy
about saying anything which could promote this obsessed enterprise, but neither
could he see any genuine peace of mind for this tormented creature until the
expiation was completed.
    “I
do know he has the will and the courage,” he said. “Whether he has the strength
is another matter. And whether he has the right to force his body to the death
in order to cleanse his soul is something on which I will not judge.”
    Radulfus
pondered for some minutes in somber silence, eyeing the petitioner with fixity
which should have caused him to stir uneasily and lower his gaze had there been
anything false or pretentious in his purpose, but Haluin’s wide, earnest eyes
sustained the encounter ardently.
    “Well,
I acknowledge your desire to atone, late though it comes,” said the abbot at
last, “and I understand the better since the delay of years has not been for
your own sake. Go, then, make the attempt. But I will not permit you to go
alone. There must be someone with you in case you founder, and should that
happen, you must allow him to make such dispositions for your safety as he sees
fit. If you endure the journey well, he need not do anything to impair your
sacrifice, but if you fall by the wayside, then he stands as my representative,
and you must obey him as you obey me.”
    “Father,”
said Haluin in anxious protest, “my sin is mine alone, my confession sealed and
sacred. How can I let another man come so close, without myself breaking that
seal? It would be a violation even to cause wonder and question concerning this
penance of mine.”
    “You
shall have a companion who need neither wonder nor question,” said the abbot,
“since he already knows, at your own telling. Brother Cadfael shall come with
you. His company and his prayers can only be of comfort and benefit to you.
Your confidence and the lady’s memory will be in no danger, and he is well
qualified to care for you along the way.” And to Cadfael, turning, he said,
“Will you undertake this charge? I do not believe he is fit to go alone.”
    Small
choice, thought Cadfael, but not altogether displeased at the instruction,
either. There was still, somewhere deep within him, a morsel of the vagus who
had roamed the world from Wales to Jerusalem and back to Normandy for forty
years before committing himself to stability within the cloister, and an
expedition sanctioned, even ordered, by authority could be welcomed as blessed,
instead of evaded as a temptation.
    “If
you so wish, Father,” he said, “I will.”
    “This
journey will take several days. I take it that Brother Winfrid will be
competent to dispense whatever may be needed, with Edmund to guide him?”
    “For
a few days,” agreed Cadfael, “they should manage well enough. I have stocked
the infirmary cupboard only yesterday, and in the workshop there’s a good
supply of all the common remedies usually called for in the winter. Should
something unforeseen be needed. Brother Oswin could come back from Saint Giles
to help for a while.”
    “Good!
Then, son Haluin, you may prepare for this journey, and set out when you are
ready, tomorrow if you will. But you will submit yourself to Brother Cadfael if
your strength fails you, and do his bidding as faithfully as within these walls
you have always done mine.”
    “Father,”
said Haluin fervently, “I will.”
    At
the altar of Saint Winifred, Brother Haluin recorded his solemn vow that same
evening after Vespers, to leave himself no way out, with a white-faced
vehemence which indicated to Cadfael, who witnessed it at Haluin’s own wish,
that this implacable penitent in his deepest heart knew and feared the labor
and pain he was imposing on himself, and embraced it with a passion and
resolution Cadfael would rather have seen devoted to a more practical and
fruitful enterprise. For who would