The First Wife by Emily Barr Read Free Book Online Page B

in her kitchen, because everything we ate had to involve a piece of protein, a piece of carbohydrate, and vegetables, ideally from the garden, though when my grandparents became incapacitated I stopped the vegetable patch and started a local box delivery.
    I closed my eyes, out of habit, waiting for ‘grace’. I was ready to recite my sonnet. It was going to be ‘From you I have been absent in the spring’ – ‘Sonnet 98’. I only just stopped myself in time.
    ‘So,’ said Julia, passing me the garlic bread (a novel and pleasing taste sensation), ‘what are your Christmas plans, Lily?’
    ‘Christmas?’
    ‘I know it’s still a way off, but will you be visiting relatives?’
    John was chewing hard, as if he wanted to swallow quickly and say something. ‘Annual family duty?’ he managed to get out, in the end. ‘We all have to do it.’
    ‘I don’t think I even know where the rest of your family are,’ Julia added. They looked at me expectantly.
    ‘Oh, there isn’t any,’ I told them. Normally I would have left it at that, but the wine was making my head spin, and I felt reckless. ‘Not that I know of, anyway. The grandparents I lived with; they were it. They were my mother’s parents, and she was their only child. I’m an only child too. There probably are people out there related to my dad, but I wouldn’t have the first clue who they might be, or where to look for them.’
    ‘Oh,’ said Julia, knocking back her drink and holding her glass out to John. ‘You poor thing!’
    ‘Mmm,’ I agreed, gulping down my white wine glass and holding that out to John too, since he had the bottle in his hand. It seemed to be the polite thing to do. ‘I knew I would be on my own at some point, but I didn’t have any plans, because . . . Well, because it was easier not to, I suppose.’
    ‘And were you very young when you lost your parents?’ John asked, putting the bottle down.
    I drew a deep breath, and took another large gulp of wine before I replied. It made me dizzy.
    ‘I didn’t exactly lose them,’ I said. I looked at my plate. There were fatty globules on the cheese sauce, and I suddenly felt nauseous. I decided to see what the truth would sound like, if I said it out loud. ‘They . . . Well, as far as I know, they never intended to have a child, and when I came along, they never really managed to be parents. They weren’t particularly young or anything. They were just bad at it. It was always Grandma and Granddad who took care of me, and then my parents decided they’d really had enough. When I was eight, they moved away. I think they live in New Zealand now, but I’ve never heard from them.’ I carried on talking, to cover the shocked silence. ‘When my grandparents died, one after the other, pretty quickly, I found an address in the cottage. I knew Grandma would have one for them. I wrote a note, and I asked them to come back, but they didn’t reply. And now I suppose they wouldn’t be able to find me even if they wanted to.’
    Julia banged her glass down on the table and opened her mouth, but did not say anything.
    ‘Should be shot,’ John suggested.
    ‘Oh,’ said Julia. ‘Absolutely right they should be shot.’
    I tried to smile. ‘It’s OK. I don’t have them in my life, do I? I don’t have to deal with them any more. I’ve blanked lots of it out, but when I remember my early childhood, it’s not specific events, it’s just trying to get these people to want me, when they don’t. That’s all I see.’
    ‘Thank God for your grandparents,’ said Julia.
    ‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘They saved me. Without them, I’d probably be a psychopath.’
    They both smiled, as though I had made a joke, although I hadn’t.
    ‘So,’ said John, ‘you’ll spend Christmas with us, if you can bear the noise. Will you do that?’
    ‘Thank you,’ I said, hoping he meant it. ‘That would be lovely.’

    I woke late the next morning, with a pounding headache. At first I thought I