The Fran Lebowitz Reader by Fran Lebowitz Read Free Book Online Page B

with a volley of fire. All four children were killed. And such was the tragedy of Quenched State.

Guide and Seek:
I’m O.K., You’re Not
    Throughout history, people have exhibited an unfortunate tendency to band together in groups. The reasons for this phenomenon vary widely but they
can
be divided into two general categories: common need and common desire. In the common need division (and I assure you that the word
common
has not been carelessly chosen) we find such things as leftish political parties, barn raisings, prides of lions, gay liberation, retirement communities,
Ms.
magazine, armies, quilting bees, the Rockettes, and est-type programs.
    Under the heading of common desire—previous parenthetical comment likewise applicable—belong rightish political parties, exercise classes, the Chicago Seven, entourages, the New School for Social Research, fun crowds, and est-type programs. That some, if not all, of the particulars in each category seem to be interchangeable is due to the fact that need and desire are, like cotton madras, inclined to bleed.
    The more vigilant among you may have observed that est-type programs appear in both categories. The reason for this is twofold: one, because those who participate insuch programs are as desirous as they are needful, and two, because such programs are the very essence of groupness and therefore the most spectacularly unattractive. That I am totally devoid of sympathy for, or interest in, the world of groups is directly attributable to the fact that
my
two greatest needs and desires—smoking cigarettes and plotting revenge—are basically solitary pursuits. Oh, sure, sometimes a friend or two drops by and we light up together and occasionally I bounce a few vengeance ideas around with a willing companion, but actual meetings are really unnecessary.
    I am therefore dismayed that programs such as est seem to be proliferating at a rate of speed traditionally associated with the more unpleasant amoebic disorders—rate of speed being only one of their shared characteristics. As this craze for personal fulfillment shows no signs of abatement, I am afraid that we shall soon be witness to programs catering to needs and desires hitherto considered overly specific. Following are a few possibilities.
rip
    rip
, an acronym for rest
in
pleasure, is an organization for those deceased who feel for one reason or another that they are just not getting enough out of death. The name of the leader of this group is not known—he is, at best, an elusive figure but it is generally accepted that rip was started in response to the needs of a small coterie who often confided in one another their sporadic fears that somehow they really didn’t feel
that
dead. Thus it is believed that Judge Crater, God, Amelia Earhart, Adolf Hitler, and the Lindbergh Baby are responsible for the foundation of this program.
    The insecurely departed meet whenever the spirit moves them and their sessions consist largely of answeringhonestly a series of settling questions on the order of: “Are you saving your receipts?” “Are you coughing?” “Are you on a low-carbohydrate diet?” “Are you waiting for a check?” “Are you on hold?” “No?” responds the leader. “Then obviously you are dead. If you are dead there is no way you are not having eternal peace. If you are having eternal peace you are free from responsibility and the eventuality of being annoyed. There you have it. What could be more pleasant?”
    There are certain deprivations attendant to
rip
sessions. Members are not allowed to go to the bathroom, to stretch their legs, or to eat. And although there have been no complaints from members, there are always those skeptics, those malcontents, those tearer-downers, who are convinced that were
rip
properly investigated more than one skeleton would come tumbling out of the closet.
lack
    lack
, or loutish and crass kollective is a program dedicated to the proposition that vulgarity and bad taste