The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad by Karl Pilkington Read Free Book Online Page A

I’d met since being here seemed to have them. It struck me
as odd that a man who’s a chief, wears feathers and has skulls of friends in his garden has a pay-as-you-go mobile. He must get sales calls from people trying to sell him things he
doesn’t even know exist.

    I ate some meat that I’m sure was nice, but I couldn’t taste it ’cos of the kava. I went to bed.
    I remember waking up and feeling impatient. I just wanted to be introduced to my Man Friday, get to my island and experience what I had come to experience. It was the same feeling you get the
day after a wedding when you’ve stayed in the same hotel all the other guests have stayed in and you feel like you have to continue the celebrations over breakfast with strangers you’re
never likely to meet again.
    I had a wash in the freshwater stream, and then Luke told me that I had to go and meet the chief who would introduce me to his son. He was the man who would be teaching me the survival skills on
my remote island. He then said the chief would be expecting me to wear the traditional dress of the nambas. I said, ‘Not a chance.’ It annoyed me that he expected me to wear one.
I’d been keeping myself well covered and taking malaria tablets all week, and now he wanted me to walk about with only my knob covered? It didn’t make sense with all the mosquitoes
around. I wanted to learn skills like Ray Mears and Bear Grylls, but this was turning more into
How to Look Good Naked with Gok Wan.
    Luke said it was a sign of respect, but I didn’t understand why getting my bollocks out would show respect. At home it would be classed as anti-social behaviour. I’d already shown
respect by not upsetting anyone and taking them a pig. That’s a big gift to give someone, isn’t it? I think some top-up time for his mobile should have been enough. I went to see the
chief.
    CHIEF : We have to give your nambas to you.
    KARL : I’m not too worried about that, don’t trouble yourself. I’m quite happy. You’ve made me welcome, I’ve stayed
     the night, you gave me kava, I had a really good night. You don’t have to give me any more. So, yeah, we can just . . . I just came to meet my friend who is going to help me to survive on
     the island.
    LUKE : It’s traditional, Karl. If one becomes an honorary tribe member, it is an honour for the tribe if you don the nambas.
    CHIEF : It is a tradition thing when we go fishing.
    KARL : I think it’s more important to have a rod and bait when fishing. Fishing tackle is important. Not my tackle! I’m not going to
     pull off that look. What sort of rule is that? If I don’t wear a nambas they won’t teach me to fish!?
    CHIEF’S SON : It is a kind of respect.
    KARL : It’s just . . . (
sighs
) . . . wearing the nambas, a friend’s winding me up back at home. He is making me wear these
     nambas. I didn’t know that was going to happen, you see. It’s a bit of a surprise for me. I thought I was just coming here to have a look, observe with eyes and then go. Now
     everybody’s keen to get me in a nambas, and the longer this goes on, the more embarrassing it is.
    CHIEF’S SON : You have to be in the nambas.
    LUKE : It’s just for a short while. I think it would be the right thing to do.
    CHIEF’S SON : After you put on nambas, then we have to do a dance here.
    KARL : See! They’re adding a bit more now. Pop these on, then we’re going to have a dance. That’s when things pop out –
     when having a dance.
    CHIEF’S SON : It is a short one.
    KARL : What do you mean, it’s a short one?
    CHIEF’S SON : Short dance.
    KARL : Oh, short dance. It’s just, you see, this is normal for you, but for me, this will go on the TV, and me mum, me dad will be saying,
     ‘Oh, what’s Karl been up to?’ I’m dancing around with stuff on show. It’s different at home. People don’t dress like this, so it’s a bit of a bigger
     deal for me. To be, you know, having it all out there, moving around, then something falls