The Happiest Days of Our Lives by Wil Wheaton Read Free Book Online Page B

personal.
    I put on my best Dennis DeYoung voice and nudged the volume knob just a bit closer to eleven. “I’ve got a secret I’ve been hiding under my skin! My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM!”
    I glanced at Ryan again. His right leg was bouncing along with the music, and his head was bopping just a little bit. Translation: Must… maintain… carefully… crafted… cool… but… losing… battle… against… the… rock…
    I pulled into a long line of cars and waited to make a left.
    “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo.” I looked in the mirror at Nolan, who was struggling to suppress a smile.
    “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo!” I looked at Ryan and pointedly turned up the volume again.
    “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo!!” I pulled the middle and ring fingers of my right hand into my palm, and folded my thumb over them. The light changed, and we inched toward the intersection. I subtly rocked the goat back and forth, just at the wrist.
    At the top of my lungs, I belted out, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH-OH, MR. ROBOTO, FOR DOING THE JOBS THAT NOBODY WANTS TO. AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH-OH, MR. ROBOTO, FOR HELPING ME ESCAPE JUST WHEN I NEEDED TO!” Ryan shook his head and began to smile.
    “Thank you! Thank you, thank you! I want to thank you, please, thank you!” I sang, a bit of Shatner creeping into my Dennis DeYoung.
    Ryan laughed. Translation: Okay, you’re still lame, and I’m still so cool because I’m sixteen, but we’ve got a long history together, and now that I realize you’re not buying into my bullshit — yeah, I said bullshit. What are you going to do about it?—I’m going to give it up and enjoy this. Because I am sixteen, not only do I rule, but I can completely change my attitude in a nanosecond.
    Traffic grew heavier as we got closer to the school. I turned the radio down to a reasonable volume. Translation: I don’t need to embarrass you in front of your peers…this time.
    “The time has come at last to throw away this mask, so everyone can see my true identity…” I sang.
    Ryan joined me: “I’m Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!” Translation: See? I may be totally cool because I’m sixteen, but I’m not totally lame, either. Remember, you must learn how to deal with me now, because my brain is all messed up. I’m not trying to be a jerk. Honest. I can’t help it sometimes.
    “Who is Kilroy?” Nolan asked.
    “I have no idea,” I said, as I pulled to the curb and they opened the doors. “But you can be sure he wore a mullet.”
    They nodded at me and smiled. Sort of. Translation: Just nod, smile, and walk away.
    “I love you guys,” I said. “Have a great day.” Translation: I love you guys. Have a great day.
    “Okay,” they said. “We will.” Translation: We love you, too. Even though you’re totally lame.
    I pulled away from the curb as Mötley Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home” began to play.
    I sang, “You know I’m a dreamer, but my heart’s of gold…” No translation necessary.

    My dad has a song for everything. When we were kids, and we were driving west near dusk at certain times of the year, he would look into the rearview mirror and say to my brother, sister and me, “Hey, what’s that up in the sky?”
    He’d wait while we all tried our best not to answer, but one of us would eventually give in and say “It’s Venus!” He’d dramatically draw a deep breath and break into the classic Frankie Avalon song while we squealed in delight or mock embarrassment. Even though we’re all adults now, he still does it, and we still love it.
    I didn’t realize it until we were putting The Happiest Days of Our Lives together, but I sing a lot of songs around my kids, and I have my father to thank for it.

suddenly it’s tomorrow
           I’ve lived within five miles of the Rose Bowl for most of my life, and it’s played an important role in several milestones since I was a teenager. I learned how to drive a manual