The House with Blue Shutters by Lisa Hilton Read Free Book Online Page B

Claudia’s
     left hand, had not congratulated her or shown any enthusiasm.
    ‘You intend to have the baby?’ she had asked, although if Claudia had not intended thus she would have approached the appointment
     differently, making it apparent from the start that she needed an abortion. The doctor had given her some leaflets, suggested
     a book she might buy, asked her if she smoked (Claudia lied), warned her about drinking alcohol and over-exerting herself
     at the gym. Claudia wondered what the doctor thought of her, this quiet young woman in her expensive suit, if she wondered
     at all about her patients.
    ‘Good luck, then,’ she had said, as Claudia had thanked her and gathered her handbag.
    The idea of a baby Claudia was sure she wanted very much. She had no sense of herself ‘giving birth’, no excitement atthe thought of breast feeding or tiny clothes. Shopping on a Saturday morning, or taking a ski lift, she and Alex, like everyone
     else, would point out sweet little children to one another, determined muffled bundles, showing their own sweetness to one
     another. None of Claudia’s friends had babies. Alex knew a couple in Surrey with two, but Claudia had so far avoided going
     to lunch with them. She had briefly, stupidly, imagined Sébastien shepherding her proudly through a market in Paris, lying
     in bed with him with their child sleeping on his chest, scenes from a film or an advertisement. Sébastien was impossible,
     and Claudia believed that she was acting practically. She supposed that if she had the baby with Sébastien’s knowledge, he
     would agree to give her money, to visit and take an interest, but deceiving Alex relied on Sébastien’s ignorance, and she
     could not risk making him part of it.
    The newspapers were always talking about the expense of childcare. If Claudia had the child on her own, she reasoned, even
     if Sébastien were dutiful about it, she would have to give up her job, at least for a time. This would necessitate her selling
     the flat in Lexington Street, which she had bought outright with all the money left by her father, and moving somewhere cheaper,
     so that she would have money to spare when she did not work. There was something about the thought of herself pushing a pram
     around Stoke Newington or Queen’s Park that she couldn’t bear. Fat, she supposed in the Queen’s Park version, and covered
     in milky sick. And it would be years and years before it could go to school, you were always reading about how mothers couldn’t
     afford to work because nursery was so expensive. As Claudia saw it, she was making anexchange, herself for her child. She would be Alex’s wife, they would live in town, she would be able to work or not as she
     chose, there would be money for school fees and holidays. She did not pretend to herself that there was anything admirable
     in this, it was just that she could imagine no other possibility that would be tolerable. She had not seriously considered
     selling her flat and taking off to Mexico or Andalucia, there was nothing she found enticing about setting herself bravely
     against the world, there was not the strength in her for that.
    Nor did she tell herself that she loved Alex. There was nothing at all in her feeling for him that even resembled the pride
     and longing she had for Sébastien. Claudia and Alex had met at a large party given by one of Claudia’s former students, an
     Italian girl who had been dating someone at Alex’s bank. She had given him her number and had not been remotely surprised
     when he called the next day. They had dinner somewhere obvious. Alex was not good-looking, but he was tall, and his face was
     kind. Claudia’s relationship with Sébestien was long past the point of even nominal fidelity, and Alex was a good lover. His
     cock was long and thick, and, perhaps because Claudia was unconcerned as to his opinion of her, she came easily with him,
     felt quiet when she slept in his arms. That Alex was