The Housewife Assassin's Handbook by Josie Brown Read Free Book Online Page A

there.”
    That would work. Trisha would be in nursery school until two. I shook his hand, then, hesitantly, gave him a kiss on the cheek. 
    Ryan blushed bright red. Ah, so he has a heart after all.

    The next day I showed up bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and prepared to dazzle. Ryan handed me Acme’s standard issue, a Sig Sauer P229, and we headed for the shooting range.
    I knew I impressed him by the lift of his brow with each bullseye. (Though, I must admit, I went for the groin on the last two pop-ups. Then again, they looked incredibly menacing and no doubt deserved it.)
    I also passed the physical with flying colors. The polygraph went well, too.
    The agency’s standard thirty-page personal history statement wasn’t scary, just tedious. I had nothing to hide–unless you considered my ever-growing list of library fines. (No, I didn’t mention that on the form. I figured if it didn’t turn up on my background check, then our country needed me all the more.)
    But it was the psychological testing that blew Ryan away. “I’ve got to be honest with you, Donna, I was–well, a bit surprised.”
    “In what way?” We were in the sterile conference room again. I had yet to see Ryan’s office. I could just imagine what that was like. My guess was that he wiped it clean of fingerprints each night before going home.
    “You’ve scored well across the board. But you were superlative in Part Six of the test.”
    “Oh yeah?” Part Six stood out to me because the responses seemed to be gauging how well the respondents would do in dire circumstances. Things like: You are facing two assailants, both with firearms. The one to the left is in a car. The one to the right is standing only four feet away. Which one do you take out first? (I went for the closer dude, figuring that maybe I could get his gun away from him somehow, and then use him as a human shield when I ducked out of the car assailant’s sights.) Or you can take out your attacker with a pole, a rope, or a fork. Which one do you choose? (I chose the pole. That would allow me to attack from many angles and to do so from a distance.)
    “Your answers were right on the mark. You’re a natural born killer.”
    “I live in suburbia, Ryan. It’s a jungle out there. The instinct is natural.”
    “Hmmm. Well, if that’s the case, then remind me to stay out of the OC.”
    “Aw, what a shame! There are a couple of cute women in the neighborhood–you know, divorcees–whom I could easily set you up with–”
    The scowl that darkened his face told me I’d crossed a line.
    “No? Oh, um, okay. Well gee, how time flies! I should go pick up the kids…”
    “Just one more thing. I wanted to tell you that I’ve scheduled you to go to The Farm.”
    I grimaced at the insinuation. “Well, I may still be sporting a few pounds of my baby fat, but seriously, Ryan that’s a bit cruel–”
    “Donna, ‘The Farm’ is not a chubby club. It’s Langley’s training facility, and it’s a must for all new agents. Weeds out those that don’t have the right stuff.”
    “Oh.” While in school I was always top in my class, so I was sure I’d do well down on The Farm.  “I think I can get Phyllis to cover me for that weekend–”
    “No, Donna. The commitment is for twelve weeks. And you have to live on-site.”
    That put me back in my chair. Live away from the kids – for three months? How could I manage that?
    They would hate me; perhaps even assume that I’d deserted them too.
    “Oh, well. I guess that puts an end to that.” I rose to go again.
    “Not necessarily. Now that Trisha is doing some daycare, and the kids are in school most of the day, you could have Phyllis move in during your training. And of course you’ll be allowed to go home most weekends.” He looked down at his pad, before breaking into a tentative grin. “In fact, I’ve already asked her, on your behalf.”
    “You did?” My jaw fell open in surprise. “You did that for me? Did you also tell her