The Jewolic by Ritch Gaiti Read Free Book Online Page B

elected to construct life the way that he did. But it’s still flawed — there should be some incentive for growing old.
    “A lottery,” I declared.
    “A lottery for growing old?” Hochman queried without opening his eyes.
    “ Think about it. What if one out of ten old people get to start over or relive some part of their lives.”
    “NG.” Hochman answered between snores and drools.
    “NG?”
    “NG. No good. No bueno. Because if you were reliving it, you would know what going to happen which would change what would happen so you really wouldn’t know it after all. Or, you could relive it without knowing that you are reliving it, which would defeat the purpose of reliving it.”
    “You have a point.” He really did. Reliving one’s own live could be problematic.
    “ How about reincarnation?” I declared just as Hochman’s head fell off of his knees and plummeted straight towards the ground.
    “What?” He snorted and bounced up just inches from impact.
    “It’s the perfect incentive for life . Reincarnation, it’s like a Powerball ticket.”
    “No one wins Powerball unless you work in some factory in a town no one has ever heard of.”
    “My point exactly . Powerball is about the promise of something better. It’s only good until it’s announced.”
    “And then?”
    “And then you buy another ticket. Of course, in my analogy, the afterlife ticket is drawn as you expire so you never know the results. It works for the Hindus.”
    “I don’t think the Jews would like it.”
    “ Maybe I’ll become a Hindu.”
    “A Hindu Jewolic? ”
    Clearly, the incentive plan needs some work.
     
    I wasn’t ready for Gram to leave and I was a tad pissed at God for willing it. What’s more, He wanted it that way was not an answer; it’s more of a way of saying skip this question now and we’ll never come back to it. I didn’t buy it.
    Was God responsible for everything that happened and didn’t happen? It seems that He gets undo blame and unfair credit. He can’t influence every happenstance, or can He? Every time we push the unknown or an unanswered question, however trivial or significant, He gets attribution. He covers our failures, our successes, our unplanned events and mostly, our unknown s.  He is the universal answer; He is e) all of the above for everything in life.
    If I were God, I would extend this to every quiz and exam I have ever taken.
     
    Standard answers to all quizzes:
    a)      Bolivia’s primary export is bauxite
    b)      Iambic pentameter
    c)       Plutonium’s atomic number is 94
    d)       Assuming that they left at the same time, the empty train arrived in Cleveland one and one half minutes before the train that carried gold bullion inside little statues of the Statue of Liberty and traveled 11 mph slower, except downhill.
    e)       All of the above
     
    I would always check off e) all of the above and be the only Jewolic, to ever get 100% on every test he had ever taken, even though he missed several days because of his spiritual obligations, like the Yanks opening day. My straight C+ would have skyrocketed to a B- or maybe even a respectable B.
    Of course, if I were really God, I would ace History and Geography, having a tad to do with creating them in the first place. I would probably do pretty well in Spanish and Latin and Hebrew and not so sure about Chinese — but I wouldn’t have to worry about that until college. Also not so sure about math. I can’t recall any mention of God being good at math other than counting by twos. But I would be such a good counter that I wouldn’t need Algebra or Geometry or Calculus, whatever that is. Needless to say, I would ace Gym, especially dodgeball, a favorite pastime of Moses during his forty years in the desert. That said, being God, I would know the answer to everything anyway and probably be excused from tests, at least surprise quizzes.
    But what if He wasn’t right all of the time? What if He got most