The Last Dragonslayer by Jasper Fforde Read Free Book Online Page B

those at Kazam with loathing and mistrust.
    ‘Listen,’ I said, ‘a drain cleared by magic is the best way. It doesn’t smell, no fuss, you don’t have to be embarrassed by what you blocked it up with, and besides, I offer a good guarantee. If it blocks again within twenty-four hours we redo the job for free and charm the moles from your garden – or your face: the choice is yours. I even do the form B1-7Gs for you. Besides, it’s traditional .’
    ‘It’s not just the cost, Jennifer. My mother used to be a sorceress so I’ve always tried to use you guys. The problem is that King Snodd’s useless brother has recently bought a five per cent share in Blok-U-Gon, and, well, you see?’
    ‘Oh,’ I said, realising that this was bigger than both of us, ‘right. Thanks for your time, Tim. I’m sure you did your best.’
    I hung up. Although King Snodd IV was in general a fair and just ruler who seldom put people to death without good reason, he was not averse to making edicts that were of financial benefit to him and his immediate family. There was nothing I could do. He was the King, after all, and, indentured servitude or not, I and all those who held Hereford nationality were loyal subjects of the Crown.
    ‘We just lost the drain unblocking contract to King Snodd’s useless brother,’ I said.
    ‘I don’t know about his useless brother, but Mother Zenobia took us all to see King Snodd on Military Hardware Parade Day,’ remarked Tiger thoughtfully.
    ‘What did you think?’
    ‘The landships were impressive.’
    ‘I meant about the King.’
    He thought for a moment.
    ‘Shorter than he looks during the weekly TV address.’
    ‘He does the address sitting down.’
    ‘Even so.’
    But Tiger was right.
    ‘The six-foot-tall Queen Mimosa doesn’t help him,’ I observed. ‘She used to work here thirty years ago when she was plain Miss Mimosa Jones. Mr Zambini said she could pollinate plants over seven times more efficiently than bees. A good little earner, he said, given Hereford’s fruit exports. But then Prince Snodd took an interest, proclaimed his undying love and she renounced her calling to be the princess, later Queen. Mr Zambini was sad to lose her, but the bees were relieved to be back to full employment.’
    ‘She’s very beautiful,’ said Tiger.
    ‘And witty and wise,’ I added, ‘what with all the stand-up comedy she does, and the Troll Wars Widows charity.’
    ‘Quark.’
    The door to the office cracked open and a large man with a sharp suit and a fedora put his head round the door. He soon noticed the Quarkbeast. Hard not to, really.
    ‘Does he, er . . . bite?’
    ‘Never deeper than the bone.’
    He jumped.
    ‘My joke, Mr . . . ?’
    The large man looked relieved and entered. He removed his hat and sat in the chair I offered him while Tiger was dispatched to fetch a cup of tea.
    ‘My name is Mr Trimble,’ announced the man, ‘of Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble and Trimble, attorneys-at-law.’
    He handed me a card.
    ‘That’s me there,’ he said, helpfully pointing to the third Trimble from the left.
    ‘Jennifer Strange,’ I replied, handing him a brochure and rate-card.
    There was a pause.
    ‘Can I speak to someone in charge?’
    ‘That’s me.’
    ‘Oh!’ he said apologetically. ‘You seemed a little young.’
    ‘I’m sixteen in two weeks – I think ,’ I said. ‘And I’ve had a driver’s licence since I was thirteen. You can talk to me.’
    The Kingdom of Hereford was unique in the Ununited Kingdoms for having driving tests based on maturity, not age, much to the chagrin of a lot of males, some of whom were still failing to make the grade at thirty-two.
    ‘Commendable, Miss Strange, but I usually speak to Mr Zambini.’
    ‘Mr Zambini is regrettably . . . unavailable right now.’
    ‘Where is he?’
    ‘ Indisposed ,’ I replied firmly. ‘How can I help?’
    ‘Very well,’ said Mr Trimble, once he could see I would not be moved. ‘I represent