The Last Hero by Terry Pratchett Read Free Book Online Page B

or alive until you look at it."
    Things will have come to a pretty pass, Albert, if I did not know whether a thing was dead or alive without having to go and look.
    "Er... the way the theory goes, sir, it's the act of lookin" that determines if it's alive or not."
    Death looked hurt. Are you suggesting I will kill the cat just by looking at it?
    "It's not quite like that, sir."
    I mean, it's not as if I make faces or anything.
    "To be honest with you, sir, I don't think even the wizards understand the uncertainty business." said Albert. "We didn't truck with that class of stuff in my day. If you weren't certain, you were dead."
    Death nodded. It was getting hard to keep up with the times. Take parallel dimensions. Parasite dimensions, now, he understood them . He lived in one. They were simply universes that weren't quite complete in themselves and could only exist by clinging on to a host universe, like remora fish. But parallel dimensions meant that anything you did, you didn't do somewhere else.
    This presented exquisite problems to a being who was, by nature, definite . It was like playing poker against an infinite number of opponents.
    He opened the box and took out the kitten. It stared at him with the normal mad amazement of kittens everywhere.
    I don't hold with cruelty to cats, said Death, putting it gently on the floor.
    "I think the whole cat in the box idea is one of them metaphors," said Albert.
    Ah. A lie.
    Death snapped his fingers.
    Death's study did not occupy space in the normal sense of the word. The walls and ceiling were there for decoration rather than as any kind of dimensional limit. Now they faded away and a giant hourglass filled the air.
    Its dimensions would be difficult to calculate, but they could be measured in miles.
    Inside, lightnings crackled among the falling sands. Outside, a giant turtle was engraved upon the glass.
    I think we shall have to clear the decks for this one, said Death.

Evil Harry knelt in front of a hastily constructed altar. It consisted mostly of skulls, which were not hard to find in this cruel landscape. And now he prayed. In a long lifetime of being a Dark Lord, even in a small way, he'd picked up a few contacts on the other planes. They were... sort of gods, he supposed. They had names like Olk-Kalath the Soul Sucker, but, frankly, the overlap between demons and gods was a bit uncertain at the best of times.
    "Oh, Mighty One," he began, always a safe beginning and the religious equivalent of 'To Whom It May Concern', "I have to warn you that a bunch of heroes are climbing the mountain to destroy you with returned fire. May you strike them down with wrathful lightning and then look favourably upon thy servant, i.e. Evil Harry Dread. Mail may be left with Mrs Gibbons, 12 Dolmen View, Pant-y-Girdl, Llamedos. Also if possible I should like a location with real lava pits, every other evil lord manages to get a dread lava pit even when they are on one hundred feet of bloody alluvial soil, excuse my Klatchian, this is further discrimination against the small trader, no offence meant."
    He waited a moment, just in case there was any reply, sighed, and got rather shakily to his feet.
    "I'm an evil, distrustful Dark Lord," he said. "What do they expect? I told 'em. I warned 'em. I mean, if it was up to me... but where'd I stand as a Dark Lord if I —"
    His eye caught something pink, a little way off. He climbed a snow-covered rock for a better look.
    Two minutes later the rest of the Horde had joined him and were looking at the scene reflectively, although the minstrel was being sick.
    "Well, that's something you don't often see," said Cohen.
    "What, a man throttled with pink knitting wool?" said Caleb.
    "No, I was looking at the other two..."
    "Yes, it's amazing what you can do with a knitting needle," said Cohen. He glanced back at the makeshift altar and grinned. "Did you do this, Harry? You said you wanted to be alone."
    "Pink knitting wool?" said Evil Harry nervously. " Me