The Man Who Forgot His Wife by John O'Farrell Read Free Book Online

only conventional, but surprisingly young and posh, and glowed with the vigorous good health and self-confidence that came from generations of healthy diets and skiing holidays.
    ‘Actually, we do have some rather big news since we last saw you,’ said Linda, standing by the lift and smiling knowingly at her husband, who frowned slightly that she was going down this path. ‘You know we’ve been trying for a baby …’
    ‘No?’
    ‘Oh. No, of course not. Well, the wonderful thing is – it’s happened! We’re going to be a proper family!’
    She said this as if it was the cue for me to scream in excitement, and when I merely gave my polite congratulations she looked a little put out. As we travelled down in the lift she began to provide anecdotes and accounts of past episodes as if to prove that I really did know them very well. Apparently I had been Gary’s best man at their recent wedding; I had played football with Gary every Tuesday night for years; I had even been on holiday with them, and Gary chipped in with the detail of how I had memorably fallen off the side of a fishing boat as he had pulled a huge tuna on board.
    ‘Well, Gary didn’t actually pull it on board. The man we’d chartered the trip from took over for the last bit, but it was very funny,’ added Linda.
    ‘No,
I
caught the fish,’ interjected Gary with an edge of irritation in his voice.
    ‘Yes, you hooked it, but the man hauled it on to the deck at the end and this huge fish flapping about made you jump backwards into the sea, Vaughan – it was very funny!’
    ‘No, you’re getting mixed up,’ insisted Gary. ‘He helped that American lady, but I pulled my own fish out of the sea – back me up here, Vaughan – oh no, you can’t, can you?’
    ‘Well, it doesn’t matter whether the man helped Gary a little bit—’ said Linda.
    ‘Though he didn’t—’
    ‘The point is that you fell in the sea and the man had to pull you on to the boat.’
    ‘Unlike the fish, which I did myself.’
    ‘I’m sorry, I don’t remember any of it,’ I mumbled. ‘I just feel like I’m being incredibly rude, you know? It’s like I was the best man at your wedding but now I don’t even know what Gary and I have in common. I mean, what did we used to talk about? I don’t know.’
    They thought about this for a moment.
    ‘I don’t think you ever had an actual conversation,’ said Linda. ‘You just compared apps on your iPhones.’
    Beside me in the back of Gary and Linda’s family car was an immaculate new baby seat strapped into position, but with the label still attached. ‘So when exactly is it due?’
    ‘In about nine months’ time,’ sighed Gary.
    ‘No, it’s less than that,’ corrected Linda. ‘But we want to make sure everything is perfect for Baby.’
    ‘
The
baby,’ corrected Gary.
    ‘It’s just this seat was on a discount, and it’s one of the safest ones for Baby.’
    ‘
The
baby …’
    It was a sunny, windy day as we drove out of the hospital car park. The leaves were still on the trees, but looked as though they wouldn’t hold out for much longer. I had presumed that we would be going straight back to Gary and Linda’s flat, but they clearly had other plans.
    ‘Okay, groovy people, we are welcoming you to aboard on Gary and Linda’s famous Magicking Mystery Tour!’ announced my driver, doing his best impression of a German tour guide, or maybe it was a Dutch MTV presenter: the accent tended to wander slightly. ‘On this evening’s super-hip sightsee trip, we will be point out some of most famous landmarks of Vaughan’s life, which is pretty cool, yah?’ Linda was laughing at his mid-Atlantic, Swiss/Scandinavian/American accent. ‘And we will be give a bit of history surround some of fascinating locations we passing will be.’ Now he just sounded like Yoda.
    We were still some distance from any significant personal landmarks, but Gary did point out a pub we’d popped into about ten years ago, and then a