The Meaning of Liff by Douglas Adams, John Lloyd Read Free Book Online Page B

in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.
     
    SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)
    Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to tome very curious dinner parties.
     
    SWANAGE (pl.n.)
    Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.
     
    SWANIBOST (adj.)
    Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to you.
     
    SYMOND'S YAT (n.)
    The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.
     
    TABLEY SUPERIOR (n.)
    The look directed at you in a theatre bar in the interval by people who've already got their drinks.
     
    TAMPA (n.)
    The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.
     
    TAROOM (vb.)
    To make loud noises during the night to let the burglars know you are in.
     
    TEGUCIGALPA (n.)
    An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the darkness. A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.
     
    THEAKSTONE (n.)
    Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.
     
    THROCKING (participial vb.)
    The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something. Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.
     
    THROUCKMORTON (n.)
    The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.
     
    THRUMSTRER (n.)
    The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he's (a) the conductor, (b) the brass section.
     
    THRUPP (vb.)
    To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go bbddbbddbbrrbrrrrddrr.
     
    THURNBY (n.)
    A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone will trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or two someone trips over it and breaks a leg.
     
    TIBSHELF (n.)
    Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.
     
    TIDPIT (n.)
    The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may be sprung.
     
    TIGHARRY (n.)
    The accomplice or 'lure' who gets punters to participate in the three card trick on London streets by winning an improbable amount of money very