The Merry Wives of Windsor by William Shakespeare Read Free Book Online Page A

Rammed 76 me in with foul shirts
    and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins, that 77 ,
    Master Broom, there was the rankest compound of villainous
    smell that ever offended nostril.
    FORD     And how long lay you there?
    FALSTAFF     Nay, you shall hear, Master Broom, what I have
    suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being
    thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s knaves, his 83
    hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the
    name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane: they took me on their
    shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in the door,
    who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket.
    I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched
    it, but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held 89 his hand.
    Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for foul
    clothes. But mark 91 the sequel, Master Broom. I suffered the
    pangs of three several 92 deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to
    be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether 93 : next, to be
    compassed , like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck 94 ,
    hilt to point, heel to head, and then, to be stopped 95 in like a
    strong distillation with stinking clothes that fretted 96 in their
    own grease. Think of that, a man of my kidney 97 , think of
    that — that am as subject to heat as butter — a man of
    continual dissolution 99 and thaw: it was a miracle to scape
    suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was
    more than half stewed in grease like a Dutch dish 101 , to be
    thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that
    surge, like a horse-shoe. Think of that — hissing hot —
    think of that, Master Broom.
    FORD     In good sadness 105 , sir, I am sorry that for my sake you
    have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate. You’ll
    undertake her no more?
    FALSTAFF     Master Broom, I will be thrown into Etna 108 , as I have
    been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is
    this morning gone a-birding. I have received from her
    another embassy 111 of meeting: ’twixt eight and nine is the
    hour, Master Broom.
    FORD     ’Tis past eight already, sir.
    FALSTAFF     Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
    Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know
    how I speed. And the conclusion shall be crowned with your
    enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Broom.
    Master Broom, you shall cuckold Ford.
    [
Exit
]
    FORD     Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I
    sleep? Master Ford awake, awake, Master Ford! There’s a hole 120
    made in your best coat, Master Ford. This ’tis to be married,
    this ’tis to have linen and buck-baskets. Well, I will proclaim
    myself what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my
    house. He cannot scape me, ’tis impossible he should. He
    cannot creep into a halfpenny purse 125 , nor into a pepper-box.
    But, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will
    search impossible places. Though what I am 127 I cannot avoid,
    yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I have
    horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I’ll be
    horn-mad 130 .
    Exit
Act 4 Scene 1
    running scene 13
    Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly [and] William
    MISTRESS PAGE     Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st thou?
    MISTRESS QUICKLY     Sure he is by this 2 , or will be presently. But
    truly he is very courageous 3 mad about his throwing into the
    water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly 4 .
    MISTRESS PAGE     I’ll be with her by and by. I’ll but bring my young
    man here to school. Look where his master comes. ’Tis a
    playing-day 7 , I see.
    [
Enter Evans
]
    How now, Sir Hugh, no school today?
    EVANS     No, Master Slender is let the boys leave to play 9 .
    MISTRESS QUICKLY     Blessing of his heart!
    MISTRESS PAGE     Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits
    nothing in the world at his book. I pray you, ask him