The Mopwater Files by John R. Erickson Read Free Book Online Page A

had hoped . . .
    â€œSpecial Deluxe Co-op Hot Rod Ration. How does that sound?”
    Well, not as good as a steak but . . . Hot Rod Ration, huh? It might be all right.
    We went to the machine shed.
    As you may know, we dogs ate our dog food from an overturned Ford hubcap. Slim poured it full of this exotic new type of dog food and I began crunching.
    I soon realized that he had been exercising his sense of humor. It was the same old stuff—hard dry kernels that tasted like a mixture of sawdust and stale grease.
    I beamed him a wounded look which said, “This is it? No steak?”
    â€œThat’s the best we’ve got, pooch. Take it or leave it. Just because you had one heroic thought don’t mean you get to dine at Mrs. Astor’s table.”
    Fine. I would collect my measly little reward and go on about my life. Double dog food wasn’t a steak, but it beat a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. And who was Mrs. Astor anyway?
    I was crunching my way through the heap of dry tasteless kernels when Drover poked his head out of the machine shed. He glanced to the left and to the right, then came creeping out.
    â€œHi Hank. What you doing?”
    â€œI’m trying to eat . . .” Crunch, crunch. “. . . petrified camel droppings.”
    â€œI’ll be derned. It looks just like dog food to me.”
    â€œSome people call it that.”
    â€œCan I have a bite?”
    â€œNo.” Crunch, crunch. “By the way, Drover, where were you when the fighting broke out?”
    â€œWell, let’s see. I guess I took a wrong turn and sort of ended up in the machine shed.”
    â€œI see. Did it occur to you that I might need your help?”
    â€œOh yeah, but by the time I made it to the machine shed, this old leg was about to kill me. See?” He limped around in a circle. “Terrible pain. But I heard the whole thing.”
    â€œWhat did you think?”
    â€œI thought . . .” He looked up at the sky. “I thought you’d lost your mind and were fixing to lose your life, is what I thought.”
    â€œAs a matter of fact, Drover, that’s closer to the truth than you might suppose.” I told him the whole story about the root stimulator.
    â€œI’ll be derned. I thought you got all that energy from the grasshopper.”
    â€œNo, the stupid grasshopper almost strangled me, thanks to you and your bonehead ideas.”
    â€œMine was pretty good. Tasted like chicken.”
    â€œMine did NOT taste like chicken, and it did NOT give me one bit of energy.”
    â€œOh well. Everything turned out all right. You didn’t have to fight Rufus and now it’s all behind you.”
    I lifted my head from the bowl and stared at the runt. “What do you mean, it’s all behind me?”
    â€œWell, let’s see here. The world’s divided up into what’s up front and what’s behind. What’s behind is over and what’s up front is under, and . . . I think I’m getting confused.”
    â€œDidn’t you hear what he said? He challenged me to a duel in two hours. In other words, it’s not over yet.”
    â€œOh, that. Yeah, I heard it but I knew you wouldn’t be dumb enough to show up. Tee hee hee. Boy, that would be about the dumbest thing in the world, going down to . . .” His eyes popped open. “Hank, you wouldn’t do such a thing . . . would you?”
    I paced several steps away and looked off into the distance. “Drover, what I’m about to say might shock you.”
    â€œThen maybe we could talk about something else.”
    â€œThere are times when my position as Head of Ranch Security becomes a heavy burden. It’s not just a job, you see. It’s a calling, a mission.”
    â€œI went fishin’ once.”
    â€œI’m judged by standards unknown to ordinary dogs, standards that are sometimes almost impossible to attain.”
    â€œYeah, and that’s time