wouldn’t allow this to control her. She was master of her own emotions and she would overcome this. She had to. She had decided not to bring up the affair with Ben, she wanted everything to remain calm and happy in their home, and she vowed she could do it.
She finished the laundry as calmly as she could and went back upstairs. She sat at the bar in the kitchen and finished the pot of coffee she’d made earlier. She was numb. She forced herself to be numb. Whatever happened, it was self-control that she needed now, not emotion or panic or grief, just control.
As she finished the last of the coffee the phone started ringing. On the caller ID she saw that it was Ben calling.
II
J ANEY BREATHED IN DEEPLY AND gathered all her strength before picking up the phone. She had decided that she wasn’t going to ruin things by letting Ben know she knew about the affair. She was going to bear the whole weight of it alone, for the good of their marriage. That was how she’d been raised. That was what her mother had done. And that was what she would do, too.
—Hello, honey, she said into the receiver.
—I’m sorry, a woman’s voice replied. Is this Janey?
—Yes, this is Janey Carver, she said.
—Hi, Janey, the voice said. This is Suzy. Walter will be on the line in just a minute.
—Ok, Janey said.
Her voice sounded weak. She was motionless as a statue as she held the phone to her ear and waited for Ben to come on the line. She didn’t know how Ben could have Suzy place his call to her. He was having an affair with her. It was heartless. It might have been ten seconds or two minutes that she had to wait for Ben. She had no idea.
—Hello, he said.
—Hi, honey, she answered, trying to sound as normal and unaffected as she could.
—Is something wrong?
—No. Nothing. I just burned myself.
—Oh, I’m sorry, baby.
—It’s ok, she said as she flicked the kettle back on.
—Is it bad?
—No. Don’t worry about it. Why did you call?
—I just wanted to let you know I’d be home late tonight.
—Oh. She couldn’t help it. Her voice cracked.
—What is it?
—Nothing, honey. I just thought I’d cook us a nice meal tonight.
—Sorry. Clients.
—I understand.
—Don’t sound so disappointed. It’s work, honey.
—I know, Ben. It’s just, I’m here alone all day, I was looking forward to your getting home.
—You’ll be fine. You’ll figure out a way to entertain yourself. Watch a movie or something.
—A movie? Will you be that late.
—I’m afraid so. You shouldn’t wait up.
—Ok, she said quietly.
—Don’t sound so upset. This is how we’re paying for that house you wanted.
—I know, Ben. Don’t be mad at me. I’m just disappointed is all.
—Well there’s nothing I can do about it.
He was mad at her. She knew it was because he was being defensive.
—Ok, she said. Bye.
She hung up and began to cry again. She’d been such an idiot. For months before the move he’d been calling her and making excuses like that. That’s how the affair with Suzy had gotten off the ground. If she’d been firmer with him and forced him to come home to her right after work, her marriage wouldn’t be in jeopardy now. It was her own fault for being so weak. And she’d just gone and done it again. She’d let him off the hook so that he could stay out late with Suzy. She knew he’d be spending the night with her. He might even take her to
Terroni’s
for all she knew.
She picked up the kettle and placed her left arm flat on the counter. Then, without even flinching, she poured a good measure of the boiling water onto her arm. As the pain of the burn flowed through her she imagined that this was somehow getting back at Ben. She imagined that he would somehow suffer from this pain, that it would make him feel bad for cheating on her and putting her through such emotional agony. The truth was that the only person it hurt was herself.
She ran the burn under the cold tap and then iced it. It had