The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel Read Free Book Online Page A

sentences that you will cre- ate to help cancel out the false beliefs that have contributed to, or in some cases, created, your Nice Girl behavior. Until very recently, it was accepted that early childhood was the only time when the brain was malleable enough to be significantly influenced by external stim- uli. However, in the last decade or so, new technology has revealed that even adult brains are changing in response to stimuli. Most important, we now know that brains can be significantly restruc- tured under the right learning conditions.
    This is where positive and powerful statements come in. The more you repeat a positive and powerful statement, the stronger the neural pathway becomes and the greater your ability to “rewire” your brain. Generally speaking, a positive and powerful statement is the opposite of a false belief. For example, let’s take the first false belief, “Other people’s feelings and needs are far more important than my own.” What would be the opposite of that statement? It would probably be something like, “My feelings and needs are as important as anyone else’s,” or even (God forbid a Nice Girl would
    36 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME

    say this), “My feelings and needs are more important than anyone else’s.”
    As you read each of the chapters in part 2, I will recommend that you create a positive and powerful statement to counter each false belief and that you repeat that new belief to yourself over and over, several times a day. Retraining requires repetition. This repetition, along with the remedies suggested at the end of each chapter, will help you alleviate these false beliefs from your life.
    Are positive and powerful statements like affirmations? No. Affirmations usually don’t stick because there isn’t the strong limbic component. Affirmations are more a cognitive exercise, whereas pos- itive and powerful statements are focused, intensive work aimed at retraining the brain.
    Let’s examine each false belief more closely to help you recog- nize exactly why it is a false belief, recognize how each false belief contributes to the Nice Girl syndrome, and help you begin to rec- ognize where this false belief comes from in you.

False Belief #1: Other People’s Feelings and Needs Are Far More Important than My Own
    It is extremely difficult to prove to most women that this is actually a false belief. “What do you mean?” you might be thinking. “Of course we need to think of others first. Otherwise, we are just being selfish.”
    One of the main reasons women believe that thinking of their own needs first is selfish is that biologically those of the female gen- der of any species are hardwired to be mothers and nurturers. Until very recently, girls and women were considered to be the caretakers of the family. (Nature has an investment in mothers’ being unselfish when it comes to their children—otherwise, their young would be left to their own devices and would starve or go unprotected and be killed.)
    You may think that every human being is taught to put others’ feelings and needs first when he or she is young, because adults wish to teach all children to be kind, considerate, and generous, but this simply isn’t true. It seems that girls are taught it much more than boys.
    Girls are repeatedly taught that they should put the needs of
    T HE T EN F ALSE B ELIEFS T HAT S ET W OMEN U P 37

    others before their own and that they are selfish if they think of their own needs first. Although some boys are taught this belief as well, they are not generally taught to consider other people’s feelings at the expense of their own, as girls are taught.
    Rachel Simmons, the author of the best-selling book Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls , found that this need to put other people’s feelings first was a theme that ran through her interviews with girls. No matter how upset they were, the girls said that they would rather not hurt someone else’s