The Real Mrs. Brown: The Authorised Biography of Brendan O'Carroll by Brian Beacom Read Free Book Online

can still see the picture in my mind, the waitresses in their black uniforms with white lace headdress and aprons, standing in a circle singing “Happy Birthday, dear Brendan” and before me just éclairs.
    ‘Mammy prompted me on until I had eaten every one of the eight. No problem. We then went to Barney’s, a slot machine and game palace. We played every game and in the photo booth we got our strip of shots done while Mammy howled with laughter. Today, these are the only remaining photos I have of the two of us together while in my childhood.
    ‘We arrived home that evening exhausted. Mammy dropped into her armchair and I ran a basin full of hot water and added some Epsom salts to it. I carried it in and lay it in front of her. Then I pulled off her suede boots and placed her feet into the footbath. She rolled her eyes and giggled with pleasure. I sat on the footstool just smiling at her.
    ‘“Thanks Mammy. That was the best day of my life,” I said, and meant it. She sat up and leaned over to stroke my cheek.
    ‘“I’m afraid it goes downhill from here Brendan,” and I could hear the seriousness in her voice.
    ‘At nine o’clock the next morning, I stood outside Pearse Street Police Station. My brother Finbar had accompanied me to the door but he wouldn’t come in. I had a pair of trousers, three pairs of jockeys, three T-shirts and three pairs of socks packed into the only bag that was available in the house. A pink weekend case.
    ‘I was taken by police car to the place of incarceration and shown into a dormitory full of beds. I cannot begin to tell you how frightened I was. After putting my clothes away and hiding the weekend case, I was taken to the office where I was allowed to call my mother and let her know I had arrived safely. Actually, this was seen as a novelty by the Christian Brothers who ran this place. They had never had a boy in there whose family had a phone.
    ‘“Are you okay?” Mammy asked. She sounded sadder than I was.
    ‘“I’m frightened Mammy.”
    ‘There was a pause. “You have nothing to fear there, Brendan. Nothing!”
    ‘She was so positive this was the case that I believed her and, I swear it, there and then my fear just dissipated.
    ‘When the call was done, the Brother began to question me. “Do you attend Mass, son?”
    ‘“Yes, Brother.”
    ‘“Regularly?”
    ‘“Yes, Brother.”
    ‘“Were you at Mass last Sunday?”
    ‘“Yes, Brother. Three Masses last Sunday.”
    ‘He stared at me. “Don’t lie to me boy!” he growled.
    ‘“I’m not, Brother. I serve Mass and I served three last Sunday.” I tried to convince him I was not lying.
    ‘“Why three?” he asked, now a little more gently once he discovered I was an altar boy.
    ‘“Well Brother, three of the priests will not celebrate the Mass in English, and there are only two of us that can serve it in Latin.”
    ‘I had answered truthfully. His eyes widened and a huge smile crossed his face.
    ‘“You serve in Latin?” He gave me a huge pat on the back.
    ‘“Are you frightened, son? About being here?”
    ‘“No Brother, not now.” Then I explained. “Me mammy said there was nothing for me to fear here.”
    ‘“Your mammy is wrong, boy,” he said dismissively.
    ‘“No, Brother. She’s not. Mammy is never wrong.”
    ‘He just smiled.
    ‘I received a letter from Mammy every day I was there. But I wasn’t there for the three months demanded. I was out in three weeks. Mammy pulled every string she could and got me out. I never found out how. But I remember the morning I got out. We were in the mess hall having breakfast and the Brother in charge of the mess called out my name. The hall went silent and I stood.
    ‘“Where are you working today, Brendan?”
    ‘“In the sheds, Brother,” I answered at the top of my voice, for we were at either ends of the hall.
    ‘“Well, let the Brother in charge know you will not be there today. When you finish breakfast, go to your dorm and