The Reluctant Jesus: A Satirical Dark Comedy by Duncan Whitehead Read Free Book Online Page B

entrance.
    He felt arriving unannounced and barging into my life would not be the best ploy to adopt. He had seen a recent episode of Oprah about absentee fathers trying to establish relationships with their estranged children. Oprah had been harsh on the fathers and had given good advice on the right way to go about reestablishing broken relationships. Therefore, heeding the advice he had seen, he felt it better that Irma smooth the way for him. He felt it was time we “got this thing back on track” (God’s words, not Mother’s,) and that my parents should get me over that night and break the news to me gently, so that his call to me, when it came, would not come as too much of a shock.
    He would have one of his assistants pencil in a call for the next day, and he would be in touch with me, disasters and other unscheduled events, such as unplanned acts of God or the sudden death of a Pope, permitting. Now, just in case you have missed anything here, let us not forget whom we are talking about. We are talking about God, the creator of the Universe, the creator of Man, and not, as it sounded to me, Donald Trump.
    Before he hung up, God once again apologized for his tardiness. He told Mother she had done a great job and to pass on his regards to Ely. Apparently, he also told her she needn’t have remained a virgin after I was born. The virgin thing only applied to my initial conception. It seemed quite a few people had made that same assumption before, and it was one of the things he needed to rectify. Anyway, no harm done, and like he said, he would call the next day.
    Mother made me promise not to tell Dad that his years of abstinence had not been required. I did make her promise, though, to right that wrong as soon as she could. I wasn’t sure if I was doing my father a favor or not, but I took the chance.
    I looked at my watch and realized Mother’s story had taken her over three hours to relay to me. It was tomorrow. The late evening had turned into early morning. Mother knew how to talk, hence my condensed version of the events leading up to her phone call. There was no way I would get a cab this time at night out in Borough Park. It wasn’t like Manhattan. Unlike the city that never slept, Borough Park turned out the lights and put the cat out at ten thirty every night. In any case, I was exhausted. I was also concerned that both my parents could be lunatics, and I felt I should stay the night, or what remained of it. They were my parents after all, and if they were mad, they needed watching. Who knew what other craziness could happen? I felt it wise to remain in Borough Park whilst I planned my course of action.
    Mother, when she had finished relaying her story, put her hands in the air, exclaiming I had all the facts. All I could do now was wait further instructions. She didn’t mind at all that I didn’t believe her. All would soon be revealed. And that was that.
    “Well, there you have it; it all crept up on us, really. I think between me and your dad, we did a good job. You are still my boy though no matter what, Ely your father still loves you and sees you as his flesh and blood. Who knows if God will call or not; he didn’t leave us a number, and his track record at keeping in touch isn’t the best, but he said he had your number.” Mother yawned and stretched her arms above her head. “I’m beat; it’s been a long day,” she said as she kissed me on the forehead and left me where I sat. She explained she was tired and needed to sleep, and she had said all she could say, and it was now up to God. I felt sorry for her. I never thought my Mother would lose it as she had.
    The easy chair was comfortable, and even though there was a bed for me in the house, I decided I would sit, relax, and ponder the best way to obtain some psychiatric care for my parents. I was genuinely concerned about their mental health. Before long, I had a plan of action formatted in my mind, and I dozed off.
    Luckily, my