The Weight of Water by Sarah Crossan Read Free Book Online Page B

close my eyes,
    Let William lead,
    And try not to pant too loudly
    As we do things
               Mama would hate.
     
    When we have kissed enough
    I ask him where his mother is –
    Why his mother is missing –
    And he shows me a photograph
    Of a woman with no hair and says
    ‘Mum died.’
     
    And then we hug
    Until it is very dark outside.
     
    And I tell him how sorry I am.
    And I tell him about Mama
    And Tata,
    And revealing our feelings
    Means more than the kisses ever could.
     
    And inside I am bursting to tell Tata how grateful
    I am that he was missing and
    Not dead.

Maybe I Should Not
     
    Be thinking of William
    And aching
               In this way.
     
    But when Mama sees me and
    Doesn’t look closely enough to notice the scandal
    Printed all over my skin,
     
               I do not feel guilty at all.

Confidence
     
    When I tell William
               All about Clair
    He says, ‘Stand up for yourself.’
     
    William is in Year Nine.
    He could save me from the pack
    But he does not want to:
               He knows
               I can save
               Myself.
     
    And this makes me glow
    And love him even more.

Practice
     
    Girls shouldn’t want to
    Beat each other –
    But I want to beat everyone,
     
    To know I’m faster,
    And stronger
    Than the girls in the other lanes,
    Than Clair in lane four.
     
    It isn’t meant to be a competition.
    We’re just training.
     
    No prizes or trophies for coming in first
    Today.
     
    And yet.
     
    When I hear the whistle,
    I dive with a fierceness
    I don’t expect,
    And a passion for first place
    Propels me
    Through the water
    To the other end and back again.
    I take breaths
    Only every four strokes,
    Preferring to see the
    Blinking tiled bottom of the pool
    Than the clumsy splashes
    Of my teammates,
    Than Clair out ahead of me.
     
    When I pull myself from the pool
    Ms Morrow approaches and says,
                               ‘Nice one.’
     
    Then, one after another,
    The other girls emerge too.
    Some shake their heads,
    Others prefer to cut their eyes.
    Clair won’t look,
    She turns in the water
    And does backstroke
    Up to the other end.
     
    ‘She wants to be team captain,’
    Marie tells me later.
    ‘So be careful;
    There’ll be trouble if the coach
    Chooses you.’

Ms Morrow
     
    Ms Morrow does not know.
    She does not know but she suspects.
     
    After practice she keeps me back
    To check.
     
    And this is what I have been waiting for.
     
    But I do not know what to say.
    Or how to tell what’s happened.
     
    When Ms Morrow says, ‘What’s going on?’
    I cannot tell her everything.
     
    So I tell her nothing.

Family
     
    When Mama and Tata stand together
    They do not look right:
    Tata is too shiny for the room
               And for Mama
    Now.
     
    Together they are tuneless;
    The sounds they make are ugly,
    Like knives being sharpened
    Against stone.
     
    Together they are waxwork statues;
    Recognisable
               But lifeless.
     
    Tata will not look around the room
    Even when Mama says,
    ‘Look!
      Look where we have been living!’
    He is staring at his smart, shiny
    Shoes and will not notice
    There is only one bed in the room
    And the kitchen is in here too.
     
    ‘Look!
               Look how we have been living!’
    Mama shouts.
    But Tata is staring at his tight, shiny
    Shoes and will not notice
    That Mama’s clothes are frayed and frumpy
    And mine are too.
     
    Tata merely mumbles and goes on
    Looking at the floor
    While Mama keeps condemning him.
     
    Tata is as silent in the room
    As he was before we found him.
     
    When Tata has gone Mama whispers,
    ‘Look . . .
               Look at what your father has become.
               And Kasienka
               loves Tata
               more than
               she loves
               Mama.’

A Solution
     
    Melanie is standing at the school gates
               holding Briony
               by the