This Is Only a Test by B.J. Hollars Read Free Book Online Page A

paused just long enough to overhear an officer say that the boy was believed to have drowned. That was the moment I picked up my pace. The moment I learned I knew nothing of breathlessness.
    22.
    Shelley’s body was burned beachside in August of 1822. Overseeing his departure were his friends: Lord Byron, Edward Trelawny, and Leigh Hunt. But Shelley’s boatman, Edward Williams, was the first to burn. As he did, a grief-stricken Byron turned hisattention to the sea. “Let us try the strength of these waters that drowned our friends,” Byron challenged as he charged into the water. After a few strokes he was driven back by cramps.
    23.
    We can only speculate what masterworks Shelley might have written had he heeded the advice of his doppelgänger. Or at least the advice offered in a 2012 article from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: “Learn to swim.”
    24.
    In 1892, I. D. Johnson’s
A Guide to Homeopathic Practice
provided information on how best to save a drowning victim. “Now, with one hand upon the back and the other upon the abdomen, press gently for about two seconds,” Johnson explained; “then turn the body well upon the face, and repeat the pressing as before; in this way strive to induce artificial respiration by the alternate pressure upon the abdomen and rotation of the body.”
    25.
    When I think of putting pressure on a body, I think of Josef Mengele.
    26.
    But let us not overlook the Romans. How in Rome, if a man was found guilty of murdering a family member, he could be sewn into a sack with any number of live animals—cock, viper, ape—and hurled into the unforgiving water.
    27.
    Which begs the question: How many apes were available for drowning in ancient Rome?
    28.
    Which begs the question: What is the Lungmotor? “The LUNGMOTOR ,” explained the 1920 pamphlet, “is a simple and an easily understood device—always available—It is worked by hand—It can always give air, the kind you use everyday . . .”
    29.
    But what is it
really
? It is a pair of air pumps connected to a tube that is snaked down the victim’s throat. It is a siphon of sorts, sucking the unwanted water up and out. “One of the great features of the LUNGMOTOR is the ease of operation,” the pamphlet explained. “Anyone can operate the device . . . All the operator does is set the pin to the approximate size of the victim, cleanse mouth, pull out tongue, apply mask, and operate the device. Simple, isn’t it? Nothing to watch but the patient.”
    30.
    Simple, isn’t it?
Mengele thought as he conjoined the twins.
Nothing to watch but the patient
.
    31.
    Simple, isn’t it?
Schafer thought as he drowned the dogs.
Nothing to watch but the patient
.
    32.
    Simple, isn’t it?
Carrier thought as he drowned the priests.
Nothing to watch but the patient
.
    33.
    It is a misconception that when water enters the lungs of a drowning victim the lungs themselves drown. In fact, when the lungs areremoved from a drowning victim and placed in water, the lungs remain buoyant. They float. What can this be but witchcraft?
    34.
    Water, sometimes, is a source of relief. If you are thirsty, for instance, or uncomfortably warm. It was a relief, also, for the boy at the summer camp whose body refused to bend. Brain damage kept him rigid, so I propped him against my chest in the lake—held him as close as I’d ever held anyone—and we rocked there, allowing the water to turn us weightless.
    35.
    The water burned from Shelley’s body in the pyre. Bones cracked in the heat, brains boiled, and as Shelley’s boatman burned, Lord Byron retreated once more to the sea. Took his walrus frame and just swam and to hell with the cramps. While Byron floundered, Trelawny claimed to have kept the vigil himself, later providing the primary account of the remains of Shelley’s remains. “The only portions that