Toil & Trouble: A Know Not Why Halloween (Mis)adventure by Hannah Johnson Read Free Book Online

and covers her face with her
hands. “She’s turning me evil. And patriarchy compliant. God, I
hate her.”
     
    Amber mutters something that sounds suspiciously
like, “I ship it.”
     
    Cora wisely chooses to ignore that one. Lest she
choke a bitch.
     
     
    +
     
     
    “A chainsaw? Why in the world do you need a
chainsaw?”
     
    It is, Howie understands, a little shady of him to
spend like eighty percent of his living time at Arthur’s and only
come home when he needs something from his mommy.
     
    Especially when that something is a big giant murder
tool.
     
    But, well, this is dire.
     
    This is the serious business.
     
    “Dad used to chop down trees and shit all the time,”
Howie says. “He had a certain Ron Swansonocity.”
     
    “That’s true,” Mom says. “I suppose there might be
one out in the shed. Honestly, Howie, I haven’t thought about
chainsaws in ... possibly ever.”
     
    Howie scoffs. “You’re such a Tom Haverford.”
     
    “High praise. What’s with this new interest in
chainsaws, exactly?”
     
    “Uh,” Howie says. “We’re throwing the most hideous
haunted house in arts ‘n crafts history, custom designed by a
gross-brained ten year old, so that we can get his mom, the queen
bee of the local crafting scene, to write a favorable post about us
on her super popular blog that is called, I regret to inform you,
The Yarn Yarn.”
     
    “... well, okay,” Mom says, and leaves the room.
     
    If only everyone involved could walk away so
easily.
     
     
    +
     
     
    Instead, he and Amber and Mitch tromp through the
frosty backyard grass to the woodshed.
     
    “Boom,” Mitch says, pointing at a rusty old
contraption at the back of the shed. “Chainsaw.”
     
    They are going to have to fight their way through so
many framed posters from Disney movies and old Nerf guns to make it
there.
     
    “I can’t believe you’re actually even contemplating
the idea of bringing a chainsaw to a party full of third graders,”
Amber says. Ah, Amber. Forever the voice of reason.
     
    “It’s no big. We’ll just take the chain saw fluid
out,” Howie says, “or turn off the ... activation switch.”
     
    “You have no idea how a chainsaw works, do you?”
Amber says.
     
    “Do you?” Howie retorts.
     
    Amber huffs. “I know there are a bunch of sharp edges
all over it even if you do take out the ... activation ... fluids
...”
     
    All three of them stare worriedly at the
chainsaw.
     
    “Who are these kids anyway?” Amber says. “When we
were kids, all we needed was The Monster Mash to keep us
entertained for, like, all of October.”
     
    “You. To keep you entertained. I was just doing my
bff duty.”
     
    “You got really good at the zombie twirl. Don’t deny
it.”
     
    “Unfortunately, I don’t think sweet dance moves are
the answer this time,” Howie says.
     
    “You know,” Mitch says, “it’s really mean for you to
keep talking about it and then not show me the dance. When are you
going to dance again??”
     
    “Never,” Howie and Amber say in unison.
     
    Mitch shakes his head woefully. “That’s messed
up.”
     
    “It’s a messed up world, Mitchy,” Howie says.
     
    “And we’ve totally wandered from the point,” Amber
says.
     
    “Oh yeah,” Howie says, staring gloomily at the
chainsaw.
     
    “You know,” Mitch says, “I bet we could make a
totally realistic chainsaw replica.”
     
    “Oh yeah?” says Howie.
     
    “Yeah! How hard can it be? You’re a professional
craftsman, basically.”
     
    True, Howie hasn’t actually ever put his own arts ‘n
crafts skills to use – those who can’t do ... sell stuff? – but
Mitch is kind of talking some sense right now. Making a ‘chainsaw’
is obviously way better than the deadly alternative.
     
    “Mitchell,” Amber says with an admiring sigh, “you
just saved the lives of scores of children.”
     
    “Well, ya know,” Mitch says, and shrugs humbly. “I do
what I