Undead and Unappreciated by MaryJanice Davidson Read Free Book Online Page A

people,” Jessica said.
    Tina’s eyes went wide, the way they do when she’s concentrating on not laughing. “I’m afraid that’s an old wives’ tale, ma’am.”
    â€œAlways a pleasure, Antonia,” I said dryly. “Wow, you’ve gained a ton of weight.”
    She glared blondly. Her hair was the perfect color (and possibly texture, but I wasn’t planning on touching it) of a cut pineapple. She had on more blue eye makeup than a seventies disco queen, and her lipstick was a shade redder than her lip liner. Nine o’clock at night, home alone, husband out of town, and in full makeup. And black miniskirt. And white silk blouse, sans bra. Unreal.
    â€œYou get out of here and take your friends with you,” she said. She had been born and raised in Bemidji, but popped her consonants like she’d spent one too many years at an East Coast finishing school. “I told your father I don’t know why he doesn’t just wash his hands of you, and I’ll tell you to your face. And another thing: I don’t want you around the baby; I don’t care if you’re the big sister of the baby or not; you should have had the decency to stay dead like any normal person would stay dead.”
    â€œShe does live up to the hype,” Marc said, goggling at her.
    â€œI couldn’t agree with you more on that last one,” I said. “This is Marc, my gay roommate.” The Ant was, among other charming things, a homophobe. “And this is Sinclair and Tina.” What they were was obvious. “We’re here to ask you a few questions.”
    â€œWell, I’m not talking to you. I can’t believe you had the nerve to even come here like a normal person when you’re…you’re…”
    â€œA Republican?” I asked, possibly starting to enjoy this.
    â€œWe just have a couple of questions, and then we’ll get right out of your hair,” Jessica said. I could tell she was dying to say what she was about to say. “About the baby you already had.”
    The Ant, unfortunately, wasn’t taken by surprise in the slightest, which meant my dad had warned her about his little slip. That was annoying. And surprising. My dad was pretty firmly under the Ant’s manicured thumb. He lived in fear of her surgically plumped lips tightening in anger.
    Instead, she took a breath and may have frowned, but she was fairly heavily Botoxed so it was hard to be sure. “You just mind your own business and get out of here, because it’s nothing you need to worry about, and I can’t believe you came all the way down here just to ask me about that. It’s ancient history.”
    â€œAll the way down here?” Marc asked. “You live in Edina, not darkest Africa.”
    â€œAnd are we going to stand in the foyer all night?” Jessica complained.
    â€œI’m surprised we got this far,” I replied.
    â€œNo, you’re not staying in here all night. In fact, you’re leaving right now.” She dug around in her pocket and then whipped out a cross she had obviously made out of popsicle sticks. “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!”
    I burst out laughing, even as Tina and Sinclair both took a big step back and looked away.
    â€œI told you,” Jessica said, “that only works on black people.”
    â€œHow come you get to make those kinds of jokes?” Marc whined.
    â€œThink about it, Marc,” she replied patiently.
    â€œGet out of my house, you rotten undead things!”
    â€œShe did the exact same thing when the Boy Scouts came around selling Christmas wreaths,” I explained to the others, then took a step forward and snapped the cross away from her. “Where did you make this, shop class? You couldn’t be bothered to go to a jewelry store and buy a nice one? I’m amazed you didn’t make my dad cough up four figures for a