Underneath It All by Traci Elisabeth Lords Read Free Book Online Page A

She couldn't wait to grow up and move out of this dead-end place.

It hit me like a truck: Ohio or California, it wasn't the place it was the life, being young and having seen things you couldn't just wish away.

The school bell rang and took me out of my trance. Lunch was over and I had a new partner in crime. She said she'd wait for me after school. Then she reached over and planted a kiss on the side of my mouth. I didn't know what to think. Was this the way people said good-bye in California? I'd never been kissed by a girl like that, but it was exciting. I breathed in the sweetness of her skin. She smelled of vanilla, and, strangely, I wanted to kiss her again.

I got up and quickly walked back to class, fearful she would guess what I was thinking. What does it mean? I thought, feeling weird that I was having lustful thoughts about a girl.

Dee Dee and I spent the remainder of the year hanging out together, trading homework and avoiding our parental units. I managed to squash my fantasies about her, but I still couldn't help but wonder if she'd ever try to kiss me again.

Mom and Roger were on the rocks.

They kept arguing about broken promises. She was livid we had to live with strangers and demanded he stop using drugs. I wondered if it was pot, or maybe something else. Everyone smoked pot, so I didn't think that was a big deal. And despite the fact that fat Greg and his friends were annoying, it was still a hell of a lot better living in California than in our crappy little hovel in Ohio. I wasn't going back there, and I certainly couldn't go back to my father. He had disappeared from my life. I didn't even get letters from him anymore. It hurt to see how quickly he'd forgotten us. Well, I'd forget him too!

I was fed up, sick of Mom's hasty decisions ruining my life. I wasn't going to let it happen again. I started taking Roger's side in the fights and decided then and there that I was better off on my own.
Music blared and parties were always raging in our living room. I took Dee Dee's advice for making a little money on the side and snagged roaches from the ashtray for resale later. It was impossible to get any homework done, though I somehow managed to pass all my classes anyway.

Sleep, on the other hand, was a whole other battle.

Roger was coming into my room at night. I no longer thought that I was imagining or making it up, but I still didn't know why he was there. I started pretending to be asleep when I wasn't, lying quietly in the dark waiting for something to happen. One night Lorraine was snoring across the room from me and I'd almost fallen asleep when, in my groggy state, I saw Roger's face hovering above me. At first I thought I was dreaming, but when I sat up, I could feel his fingers inside me.

Before I could say a word he was out the door and down the hallway. I was left alone, knowing something had taken place but not knowing exactly what.

I couldn't wrap my brain around this incident. Did he really do this to me? Or was I going crazy? I thought of the road trips to Florida, and the way he and Mom laughed about my "poached eggs" when my top fell down. But if he was doing something wrong wouldn't my mother notice? It didn't make any sense. I needed time to think.

I started sleeping in layers of clothes in the sweltering heat of summer. My mother said something about my bedroom light always being on. She thought I was afraid of the monster under my bed. But actually I was afraid of the monster in hers.

By the end of the summer, things were quiet in our little house for a change. But it was a scary kind of quiet—like the calm before a big storm. It had been a few weeks since Roger had come into my room and I was once again starting to doubt the whole thing. Roger was as sweet, kind, and helpful as always. He took us out for burgers after school, bought me new clothes, and was always willing to drive me where I needed to go. How could I think those things about him? I decided it was me. Something