Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries)

Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) by Allison Burnett Read Free Book Online

Book: Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) by Allison Burnett Read Free Book Online
Authors: Allison Burnett
“Check it out!” Like an idiot I clicked without looking. It was one of those scary undercover videos from the anti-meat terrorists. I should have closed it right up but it was like in a horror movie when the scalpel’s about to go into the eyeball and you know you should look away but you can’t. Maybe that’s not you. But it’s totally me. I’m a glutton for punishment. But this video was way worse than a fake punctured eyeball. It was actual turkeys being slaughtered.
    They grab the birds by the feet and throw them onto these moving stirrup things that catch them and carry them upside down to a machine that cuts their throats. Then they’re dropped into a pot of boiling water to melt their feathers off. If the workers who did this were actual human beings with hearts maybe it wouldn’t be so horrible but in the grainy movie I watched, you can hear the workers making sick jokes and bashing the turkeys against the machinery just for the fun of it. Also one of them pretends to fuck one of the turkeys. It’s like what the soldiers did to those poor prisoners at Abu Graihb. Why do men need to fake-fuck everything? Men and women are supposed to be the same species but it’s very hard for me to imagine a female soldier pretending tobone a helpless victim. She might stick her thumb up and grin at the camera to prove she is badass but that’s all.
    Although I’m not a huge meat eater, I do love me some turkey at Thanksgiving. Thanks a lot, munciemama22! Now every Thanksgiving for the rest of my life I’m going to have to push away memories of your heinous video! Or else eat tofurkey. Aaagh! Jade watched some of it too, and even though she screamed in all the right places, she wasn’t as upset as I was. “Just block it out,” she said. Easier said than done, right? Well, not for her. She had three huge helpings of dark meat. I could barely get down one slice of breast. Of all the images in the movie the one that freaked me out the most was of a bird that fought back so hard the blade missed its throat and it fell into the scalding water alive.
    At dinner Jade and I drank sparkling apple cider and totally behaved ourselves, till Mark Aubichon suggested we go around the table and say what we were thankful for. It was hard not to laugh right there. I was fine when Mark bragged about his great job at a “high integrity” law firm and his perfect health and wonderful family and friends, but when he turned to my mom and said “Who would have thought that at the advanced age of fifty-six, I would meet a fabulous, smart, sexy lady like Diane?” I snorted cider out my nose and couldn’t stop laughing. Neither could Jade. We didn’t stop laughing for so long that it hurt my mom’s feelings. Butcome on! Sexy? My mother is about as sexy as Hillary Clinton. Pretty face but cursed with cankle and tharm. Plus she wears bright jazzy dresses that look like they were made out of 1980s shower curtains.
    My mom was so hurt by our rudeness that she let us leave the table early. Jade went to get wasted with some of her hardcore druggie friends by the lake. I stayed home and wrote this post. When she called a few minutes ago she asked what I was doing. I was dying to tell her. But I couldn’t. Without my anonymity I am dead meat. I am turkey. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Hahaha!

Friday, November 23, 2007
    The subject of slaughtered turkeys has got me thinking that people have two choices in life: Live with your eyes open or live with them closed. If you live with them open you see reality as it really is. If you live with them closed you only see your fantasies. (The film
Vanilla Sky
, as well as the Spanish film it was based on, deals with this concept.) Well, I hate to admit it but I live in fantasy like most people. I hardly ever seriously think about AIDS or global warming or all the bloody madness happening in the Middle East right now, and until the turkey video I’d never really thought about

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