Unspoken - Kiss of the Wolf Spider, Part I by Sharianne Bailey Read Free Book Online Page A

again. Oh
God, I wish I was dead.
         I wonder if I will ever be brave enough to kill myself.

Chapter 7
     
     
    “You have stolen my heart
    With one glance of your eyes…”
    Song of Songs 4:9
     
    Arriving back at school on Monday evening was both a relief and a trauma.
The busyness of school comforted me but the humiliation of the weekend left my
emotions in tatters.
    Matron Ruth was on the outside veranda where she could check that all the
girls came right on in. I watched Dad amble over to her and stretch out his
hand, greeting her and saying, “She seems okay now but I hope she’s not coming
down with something. She seems a little tearful today.”
    “Hmm, they’re often tearful after the first weekend home. It passes, so
don’t you worry,” answered Matron.
    In that instant I saw a pact being made.  “They’re all together in this, all
against me!” I thought.
    Dad returned to the car to offload my case. “I’ll bring your case up, Baby,”
he said.
    Joanne looked annoyed. “Leave her, Honey, she’s a big girl now. She can
take her own case.”
    “Joanne, I won’t be long!” He slammed the boot closed, picked up the case
and walked in ahead of me, flashing Matron another of his ‘good guy’ smiles.
Joanne waved a disinterested farewell from the car.   Dad placed the case on the
floor, and then he hugged me too tightly, and as before, whispered, “Remember
it’s our special secret. Don’t tell anyone … I love you. I’ve given
Matron the telephone money. Phone me every Thursday.”
    Sensing he was again delaying his departure, I remember pushing him out
the room, hissing, “Dad you have to go, this is a girls’ room.” He left and I
burst into tears just as Megan walked in.
     “Hi Jane. What’s wrong?” She sat on the bed next to me saying: “I know
it’s hard to come back to school after a weekend at home, but you’ll get used
to it. I promise. I’ll go and make us some nice hot Milo while you unpack. I
wonder when Tinkie’s going to arrive?”
     I lay on my bed wishing I could explain my tears to Megan but I just
couldn’t let them know what was happening to me at home. It was so embarrassing
and it made me feel like a freak. Part of me wanted to ask them if it happened
to them as well. Perhaps it happened to all girls when they started
‘menstruating’ as the doctor called it. Maybe it was normal and I was weird to
hate it. Still, if it was okay why didn’t they all talk about it? Or were they
all as humiliated as me? Surely, surely they couldn’t hate it any less? Could
they?
    Dad always said, “It’s my special way of showing you how much I love
you,” and that made me feel even guiltier for hating it and him so much.
    Once, after he had satisfied himself with me in the toilets at work, I
asked why it was a secret and why I couldn’t tell anyone. He said, “It’s
something two people who love one another do to show the other person how each
feels.”
    I was unconvinced. Why did you have to do something that hurt and made
you feel so bad to show someone you loved them?
    “You do love me don’t you?” Dad had probed. It had been a hard one to
answer.
    “Yes… I do … because you’re my dad… but …”
    “Well it’s our special secret then,” he’d said with a wink and a knowing
smile. It still felt wrong.
    “But why do you have to do that hurting thing?”
     “Don’t you like it when I touch you and hold you?”
    “No I don’t!” I was in tears again.
    “Why not?” At first he sounded hurt but I could hear annoyance creeping
into his tone. “How does it make you feel?”
    “Not nice and sore. Why don’t my friends talk about it? Why is it a big
secret if it’s not bad?”
    “I told you before, it’s a special love and it’s private. Just between dads
and daughters. You and me. No-one talks about it.”
    Dad had looked at me with big hurt eyes. “You make me very sad when you
don’t love me. I love you. That’s why I do what I do