Walking on Eggshells: Discovering Strength and Courage Amid Chaos by Lyssa Chapman Read Free Book Online Page B

in a hotel for several days. But when Beth came to visit our house she found the living conditions in the home so deplorable that she immediately began cleaning the newest round of maggots out of the kitchen. Her number one goal now became getting Dad off drugs.
    I was thrilled that Beth was there. Finally here was someone who would spend time with me. I was always seeking approval from Ginny, but she was always too busy when Dad wasn’t around. She paid attention to me when Dad was there, but when he wasn’t she yelled at me a lot and had a lot of mood swings that were directed at me.
    Beth recently said that I was a total blabbermouth during her stay. And why not? It had been so long since I’d had anyone to talk to that all my pent-up words spilled out to Beth. I told her about Barbara’s Goth life and that Tucker had gotten arrested for something. When we went to the grocery store I was so glad to get out of the house that I was on hyperoverload. I showed Beth the way to the store and talked nonstop the entire time we were there.
    Beth also told me that she was appalled when, during her visit, she and dad went to a movie. Dad apparently pulled out a crackpipe and began smoking it in the theater. Even worse, he couldn’t understand why Beth was upset.
    Ginny had thrown a fit when Beth showed up, but the two of them had only one major fight that I recall. It was a real doozy, with all the screeching and name-calling you could imagine. The argument took place either on Thanksgiving or a day or so after, and centered around a turkey that Beth cooked. Ginny apparently didn’t like the way the bird was prepared, and the fight was on. At one point Ginny howled at Dad, “Are you going to let her treat me like this?” Dad’s response was to throw Beth’s suitcase out the door along with a lot of yelling and door-slamming. Beth stayed in a hotel for a few days until she could catch a flight back to Colorado; and when Beth left, I went back to my Cheetos, television, and newly washed blanket.
    With Beth gone, Nathan, dad’s sensei, was the only other person who ever came to our house. Nathan quickly became my only “friend.” He began coming over more and more, and before too long Nathan began taking me to his house, which wasn’t too far away.
    The house was blue with white trim and was in a secluded area. It was furnished in a sparse oriental style, and the thing I remember most about it was how impeccably clean and orderly it was. I had the dramatic contrast of our home, which, in addition to the maggots, was as littered and filthy as a pigsty.
    At his place, Nathan and I played Yahtzee, a dice game I enjoyed. But at that time in my life I would have enjoyed any game as longas another person was playing it with me. Unfortunately, Nathan recognized that. Our Yahtzee games quickly turned into “strip Yahtzee,” where I’d have to take off a piece of clothing whenever he scored a point. His behavior then progressed to inappropriate touching. At age nine my breasts were starting to develop, and Nathan used to call me “Big Baby Lyssa.” I remember his thick fingers and his heavy older body touching me, grabbing my breasts.
    I hated it. I hated him for doing it. The anger I feel toward him today is so huge that it could consume me if I let it. But I kept going back because he was the only person in the world who showed me any attention at all.
    Nathan never raped me, but his touches were totally inappropriate. I even spent a number of nights sleeping with Nathan in his bed. The first few times I stayed at his house I was going to summer school three days a week, and my classes were much closer to his house than to ours.
    I remember cuddling with Nathan, which in a weird, sick way made me feel safe. Now I can’t even stand to think about it without tears coming to my eyes and wanting to vomit. But even though I didn’t like what he was doing I was never afraid of Nathan, and I never thought of him as an abuser or a