What a Carve Up! by Jonathan Coe Read Free Book Online Page A

members of Kenneth’s family: his cousins Guy, Janet and Malcolm, his Uncle Edward, and his mad Aunt Emily, for whom time seemed to have stood still ever since the First World War. Just before the solicitor began reading the will, another woman appeared: a young, blonde and beautiful woman played by the actress Shirley Eaton. She was there because she had nursed Kenneth’s uncle during his final illness. There weren’t enough chairs for everybody to sit around the table, so Kenneth had to balance on Shirley’s knee. He seemed quite pleased about this.
    The will was read and it transpired that none of the relatives had been left anything at all: they had been made the victims of a practical joke. They argued with each other bitterly as they began getting ready for bed. Then, suddenly, all the lights in the house went off. By now there was a terrible storm raging outside and Fisk suggested that the generator must have broken down. Kenneth and Sidney volunteered to go with him and investigate. When they reached the shed which housed the generator they found that the machinery had been smashed to pieces. They started going back towards the house, but were amazed to find Uncle Edward sitting on a deck-chair in the middle of the lawn, drenched by the pouring rain.
    Sidney said: ‘What’s he sitting out there for?’
    Kenneth laughed and said: ‘It’s unbelievable. He’ll catch his death of – death of–’
    He gave a violent sneeze, and Uncle Edward fell stiffly off the deck-chair. He was dead.
    Kenneth said: ‘Sid … is he?’
    Sidney said: ‘Well if he ain’t, he’s a very heavy sleeper.’
    There was a terrific thunderclap, and my mother leaned across to my father. She whispered: ‘Ted, come on, let’s go.’
    My father was laughing. He said: ‘What for?’
    My mother said: ‘It’s not suitable.’
    Kenneth said: ‘Well I mean, we can’t leave him round here, can we? Look, let’s put him in the potting shed – it’s over there somewhere.’
    There was more audience laughter as Kenneth, Sid and the butler attempted to pick up Uncle Edward’s corpulent body.
    Sidney said: ‘Look, it’d be easier to bring the potting shed over to him.’
    Even Grandma laughed at that. But my mother just looked at her watch again and my father, perhaps imagining that I might be frightened, ruffled my hair and laid his arm close by, so that I could take hold of it and lean against him.
    Kenneth and Sid went back inside and told the rest of the family that Uncle Edward had been killed. Sid tried to telephone the police, only to discover that the line had been cut off. Kenneth said that he was going home, but the solicitor pointed out that the moors were impassable in this weather, and that if he were to leave now, he would be the first to come under suspicion for Edward’s murder. He recommended that everyone should go to bed at once and lock their doors.
    Fisk said: ‘It’s only the start of it. There’ll be another one yet, mark my words.’
    Sidney said: ‘Good-night, laughing boy.’
    Kenneth and Sidney went back upstairs, but then, left to his own devices, Kenneth found it easy to get lost in the rambling old house. He opened the door to what he thought was his bedroom and discovered that it was already occupied by Shirley, wearing only her slip and about to put on a nightgown.
    Kenneth said: ‘I say, what are you doing in my room?’
    Shirley said: ‘This isn’t your room. I mean, that isn’t your luggage, is it?’
    She clutched the nightgown modestly to her bosom.
    Kenneth said: ‘Oh, blimey. No. Wait a minute, that’s not my bed, either. I must have got lost. I’m sorry. I’ll – I’ll push off.’
    He started to leave, but paused after only a few steps. He turned and saw that Shirley was still holding on to her nightgown, unsure of his intentions.
    My mother stirred uneasily in her chair.
    Kenneth said: ‘Miss, you don’t happen to know where my bedroom is, do you?’
    Shirley shook her head sadly