What Do You Do With a Chocolate Jesus? by Thomas Quinn Read Free Book Online Page B

that’s exactly like last year’s hit. And, like a lot of what ends up in primetime, Christianity benefited from being a spin-off.
    Jesus billed himself as the fulfillment of Jewish prophecy. He was, after all, Jewish. And that was a good thing for him. Even the Romans, who opposed the political rebellions in Palestine, respected the depth and antiquity of Jewish philosophy. When they first took over Palestine in 63 B.C., they ended desecrations of the Jerusalem Temple and protected its worshippers. A century later, a great Jewish thinker named Philo of Alexandria even got himself an audience with the emperor. Okay, it was with Caligula, the imperial pervert. But still, that’s something to write home about.
    Anyway, let’s begin at the beginning.
    Virgin Birth
     
    Every event in the life of Jesus was deemed so significant that it was given a formal title by the Church. The first such event is when the archangel Gabriel announces to the Virgin Mary that she’s about to give birth to The Messiah. It’s a moment aptly entitled The Annunciation .
     
And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High…and of his kingdom there will be no end.” [Luke 1:31–33]
     
    This is a high bar for any kid. But Mary isn’t too thrilled with the news despite being spared the hassle of picking out a baby name. At this point she’s still only engaged to Joseph, and she’s a virgin. Yet here’s Gabriel already talking babies. What will everyone think? What will Joseph think? If your fiancée got pregnant and told you it was a miracle, would you roll with that or would you go looking for this “Holy Spirit” guy with a shotgun?
    Well, maybe there’s more myth than fact to this virgin birth claim because the concept is borrowed, rather dubiously, from the Hebrew Bible. Matthew even points this out:
     
All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and his name shall be called Emmanuel.” [Matt 1:23]
     
    This quote comes from Isaiah 7:14 in a story set around 725 B.C., when the prophet Isaiah warns the king of Israel that, before this predicted child grows old enough to know good from evil, Israel will be wiped out by Assyria. It had nothing to do with predicting Jesus; the name Emmanuel is a good hint. What’s more, the word translated from the Hebrew as “virgin” technically means “young woman.” The specific word for virgin isn’t used here. No virgin is prophesized, so, no miracle is necessary.
    If you’re a Catholic, there’s also a question of why there was no equally prominent “Annunciation” for when Mary was born. According to Church lore, she was also the product of a virgin birth: The Immaculate Conception. (Contrary to popular belief, the term refers to the conception of Mary, not Jesus.) That event should have been a clue that something special was up with this family. But no big deal was made about it. Sounds more like myth than history, doesn’t it?
    There are several more problems with the virgin birth idea anyway. For one, it’ll get you an “F” in biology. Second, it means that even abstinence is no guarantee against teenage pregnancy. Third, virgin birth is just a raw deal. The pain of childbirth without the joys of sex? Who thought this was a good idea?
    What’s more, Jewish tradition didn’t require that The Messiah be born to a virgin at all. Impregnating mortal women was something Zeus did, not Yahweh. Jews expected a king to be sent by God. He wasn’t supposed to be God. Again, we see the influence of Hellenism (Greek thought) on Christianity. This may be one reason why the new religion didn’t sit as well with devout Jews as it did with Gentiles. Christianity is in many ways a Greek religion.
    The Annunciation raises yet another question. Why should God go through the machinations of being born into this