Without Feathers by Woody Allen Read Free Book Online

they can get him to eat and also lift the check, they have won for sure. In Pakistan, a hunger strike was broken when the government produced an exceptionally fine veal cordon bleu which the masses found was too appealing to turn down, but such gourmet dishes are rare.
    The problem with the hunger strike is that after several days one can get quite hungry, particularly since sound trucks are paid to go through the street saying, "Um . . . what nice chicken—umm . . . some peas . . . umm . . ."
    A modified form of the Hunger Strike for those whose political convictions are not quite so radical is giving up chives. This small gesture, when used properly, can greatly influence a government, and it is well known that Mahatma Gandhi's insistence on eating his salads un-tossed shamed the British government into many concessions. Other things besides food one can give up are: whist, smiling, and standing on one foot and imitating a crane.
    Sit-down Strike . Proceed to a designated spot and then sit down, but sit all the way down. Otherwise you are squatting, a position that makes no political point unless the government is also squatting. (This is rare, although a government will occasionally crouch in cold weather.) The trick is to remain seated until concessions are made, but as in the Hunger Strike, the government will try subtle means of making the striker rise. They may say, "Okay, everybody up, we're closing." Or, "Can you get up for a minute, we'd just like to see how tall you are?"
    Demonstration and Marches . The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own
    home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass."
    A fine example of a demonstration was the Boston Tea Party, where outraged Americans disguised as Indians dumped British tea into the harbor. Later, Indians disguised as outraged Americans dumped actual British into the harbor. Following that, the British disguised as tea, dumped each other into the harbor. Finally, German mercenaries clad only in costumes from The Trojan Women leapt into the harbor for no apparent reason.
    When demonstrating, it is good to carry a placard stating one's position. Some suggested positions are: (1) lower taxes, (2) raise taxes, and (3) stop grinning at Persians.
    Miscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience:
    Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word "pudding" until one's demands are met.
    Tying up traffic by leading a flock of sheep into the shopping area.
    Phoning members of "the establishment" and singing "Bess, You Is My Woman Now" into the phone.
    Dressing as a policeman and then skipping.
    Pretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass.
Match Wits
with Inspector Ford
The Case of the Murdered Socialite
    Inspector Ford burst into the study. On the floor was the body of Clifford Wheel, who apparently had been struck from behind with a croquet mallet. The position of the body indicated that the victim had been surprised in the act of singing "Sorrento" to his goldfish. Evidence showed there had been a terrible struggle that had twice been interrupted by phone calls, one a wrong number and one asking if the victim was interested in dance lessons.
    Before Wheel had died, he had dipped his finger into the inkwell and scrawled out a message: "Fall Sale Prices Drastically Reduced—Everything Must Go!"
    "A businessman to the end," mused Ives, his manservant, whose elevator shoes, curiously enough, made him two inches shorter.
    The door to the terrace was open and footprints led from there, down the hall and into a drawer.
    "Where were you when it happened, Ives?" "In the kitchen. Doing the dishes." Ives produced some suds from his wallet to corroborate his story. "Did you hear anything?"
    "He was in there with some men. They were arguing over who was the tallest. I thought I heard Mr. Wheel start yodeling and Mosley, his business