You Can’t Drink All Day if You Don’t Start in the Morning by Celia Rivenbark Read Free Book Online Page B

I want to welcome you aboard. It looks as if we’ll enjoy a beautiful flight with clear skies and stunning views. As we approach the Grand Canyon, those of you who opted for window seats at an additional five dollars will be allowed to see it. The rest of you must pinky-swear promise to close your eyes or risk the additional ten-dollar late “sign-up-and-see” fee. Sneak peekers risk having theirretinas removed by the beefy undercover air marshal presently sitting in seat 4A. Do not mess with him. He once made Steven Seagal cry like a wussy little girl. Really. He did.
    “Here at OneHotMess, we not only charge for every checked bag, we also charge $25 for each purse, murse, briefcase, laptop, iPod, and any other portable electronic device you may have brought on board. Additionally, if you are seated in an exit row, you will not only be asked to read the special instructions but also to help push the beverage cart up the aisle as needed. We know that you didn’t volunteer for that row because you give a shit about being helpful in a crash, but that you do like the extra six inches of leg room, so don’t get all haughty.
    “If you are found to be acting haughty anyway, you will be assessed an additional $50 surcharge for ‘being kind of an asshole’ on the flight. Also, if you are traveling pregnant, or ‘TP,’ as we say in the industry, please be advised that you will be assessed a fee for smuggling a second passenger on board. At OneHotMess, we do not condone seat-sharing and you will be charged accordingly if you have a recognizable bump. If, upon inspection, we determine that you are not actually pregnant but are, rather, just another victim of too many Applebee’s sizzling blond brownies or a cirrhotic liver, we will cheerfully apologize while at the same time inform you that your extra weight will result in the same fee as if it were a carry-on bag. You also will not be offered anyof the delicious snacks that are customarily offered to our thinner passengers. They are saving fuel; you are not.”
    Flight attendant: “Ladies and gentlemen, if you are traveling with small children, please make sure that you have purchased an oxygen mask for them as well. Here at OneHotMess Airlines we recognize that children can be incredibly annoying in general and particularly so on an airplane, and we believe that a lack of oxygen exacerbates this. In a moment, Trixie, the world’s oldest flight attendant, will shuffle her tired ass up the aisle and collect your oxygen-mask money. Please note that the mask itself is rented for $15. The tubing through which said oxygen moves is an additional $15. We suggest that you rent both pieces because they are useless by themselves and will only lead your entire Orlando-based flight crew to double over laughing as you try to gasp air through a mask attached to, well, nothing.”
    “Furthermore, at this time, Trixie will be selling seat belts for 75¢ but, please note, in the event of turbulence, that rate will be adjusted to $35.”
    Passenger: “May I have an airsick bag? All these add-on fees have made me a bit queasy.”
    Flight attendant: “I’m so sorry. Airsick bags are no longer on board because our suddenly-enviro-conscious CEO has decided that they are made of paper and paper comes from trees and therefore, we have stopped providing them so we can go green! Rather like your face. Hmmmm. Here! Use my purse.”
    Passenger: “Oh, I couldn’t . . .”
    Flight attendant: “Sure you could! Everybody does!”
    Passenger: “So that going green thing must be why there is no in-flight magazine?”
    Flight attendant: “And they said you looked dumber than a box of hammers when you boarded. You’re right!”
    Passenger: “But what about the SkyMall? How will I be able to order the putting green that doubles as a cappuccino maker?”
    Flight attendant: “Sir, from now on, you will have to buy your overpriced, weird crap from late-night infomercials just like everybody