You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Read Free Book Online Page A

what a pleasure it is to answer a question from someone whose name does not begin with an L. Second, do you really think I’m gonna tell you how to run your genital life? How can I possibly win at that game? I say, “Sure, shave away!” You get out the old Lady Schick and sneeze at an inopportune moment, and the next thing I know I’m sitting in court being sued for destruction of property. I say, “Hey, wax that thing!” You head to the salon, the beautician had greasy French fries at lunch, the hot wax container slips out of her slippery fingers just as she’s attending to your lady parts, and the next thing I know I’m back in court getting sued like McDonald’s did when that old lady dropped a cup of hot coffee on her hoo-ha. No way, Annette. I ain’t playin’ that game.
    As for your lather question, I say cut out the middleman. You’ve got a bar of soap, you’ve got your body. The loofah will eventually get moldy and disgusting, and you’ll have to wash the washcloth after you wash yourself with it, which is just so inherently redundant that it makes the very concept of the washcloth as sensical as a bathing suit that’s “dry clean only.” Use your hands the way our ancestors did.
    Oh, one more thing—“bacon strip”?
Paul
    …
    Dear Paul:
    My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up in two weeks, and I only have five bucks to my name until I get paid next month. Any ideas?
Jay
Oakland, CA
    Dear Jay:
    You poor bastard. Literally. Five bucks until next month’s paycheck? I know the economy is bad but yikes. What your girlfriend needs for her birthday is a new boyfriend with a better-paying job. I’m just kidding. Hittin’ you with a little tough love because even though I’ve only known you for five seconds, you’re like a son to me. You sound like a good, earnest guy and the fact that you would spend your last five dollars on a present for your girlfriend and not something crazy like food or paying your electric bill makes me want to help you out. I’d say take that five bucks to an office supply store, buy a hundred sheets of paper; a roll of tape, and a Magic Marker, write “Happy Birthday (your girlfriend’s name)!” on each of the hundred pieces of paper, and then tape the papers all along the route your girlfriend takes to work in the morning. She’ll love the gesture and if she doesn’t, well, then break up with her. She’s not worth spending your hard-earned cash on.
Feig out!

Jim Gaffigan
    Dear Jim:
    I once had a guy tell me that I looked like a beautiful picnic table. What do you think this means? And should I be okay with it?
Sally Teiman
Chicago, IL
    Dear Sally:
    I don’t know if I would ever characterize a picnic table as beautiful really. Functional? Yes. Large? Yes. Hard to move? Definitely. Beautiful? Not really. I don’t know if this is a compliment unless your legs are large wooden planks or the guy who gave the compliment has a history of killing women and turning them into lawn furniture.
    I’m curious. When you got this compliment were you by chance standing in a park near, say, a picnic table? Sally, sometimes things are not just about you. I know it sounds crazy. Sometimes people can have strong feelings for things, not “Sally.”
    Jim
    …
    Dear Jim:
    I was in Oklahoma a few months ago and I ordered the “vegetable of the day” for lunch. They brought me a dumpling with a side of macaroni and cheese. I was previously unaware that either of these items was in the vegetable family. What else classifies as a vegetable in Oklahoma?
Ashley
Eugene, OR
    Dear Ashley:
    How is the weather up there on your high horse? As far as I know restaurant menus in Oklahoma are not determined by the state government. I’m pretty sure they never were. I suppose the notion of the “vegetable of the day” in Oklahoma is pretty funny. Ha, ha, ha. Kind of like a good hamburger in India or a non-snobby Ashley in Oregon.
Jim
    …
    Dear Jim:
    I have a tiny, almost unnoticeable Armani