If You Still Want Me by CE Kilgore Read Free Book Online

I'm
unraveling right in front of him. "I want you ta just trust me,
buddy, and relax a bit. I'll Assist, an' you won't regret it, I
promise."
    My mind splits in two - trying to find a reason
to decline that won't give my secret away, and trying to talk
myself into accepting the offer just so I can touch him. "What
about Victoria? You never Assist without her."
    "She released me this afternoon," he points at
his naked neck, where a leather collar usually marked him as
taken.
    The rest of him is barely covered - dressed in
his usual club bondage gear of a chest harness and these little
leather boy-shorts that choke my tongue. Damn the Devil, I think
the bastard is wearing a cock harness beneath those shorts. Next to
my casual denim, his leather has me geared-up beyond reason.
    "It's just 'till she gets back in town," he
explains while my eyes bug. "This whole thing was her idea! Said
you just needed a good push, and that I can make amends for bein'
so stupid."
    "She..." That crazy woman. I'm
gonna... I... I can't keep doing
this - and Victoria knew just what was needed to do me
in.
    "Cin, I'm sorry," I whisper as I untie her.
"It's nothing at all to do with you, but-"
    "It's okay, honey," she kisses
my cheek then hugs me tight before whispering in my ear that
she knows .
    As she leaves the room, my hands fist and I turn
to Saul. The mix of anger and pain on his face grabs a tight hold
on my heart and squeezes. "Saul..." I exhale, but after that, I got
no clue what I'm gonna say.
    "Now what the fuck I do wrong?!" His hands drop
to his sides in dismay. "I though you'd like 'er. I thought I could
fix it. Why can't I fix what I broke?!"
    The tears in his eyes pull me over the edge
quicker than anything Victoria's done or said. "You didn't break
anything. None of this is your fault."
    "Yes it is! I know, Austin!
I know ," he sniffles hard before
going quiet again with his gaze lowered to his shuffling feet. "I
know I make you uncomfortable 'cause I like men same as I like
women. I know you caught me lookin' at you. I-"
    "I'm gay, Saul."
    With those three words, all the air is sucked
from the room at the same time a rush of relief washes over me.
It's done. There's no taking it back now. I feel lighter than I've
ever felt before.
    But now that it's said, I have no idea what
comes next. Where do we go?
    No. We don't go anywhere. It changes nothing. He belongs
to Victoria, with or without the collar.
    "You... Yer what ?" Saul's head is tilted at a
neck-wrenching angle, like he can't quite figure out what I
said.
    Inhaling slowly, I let myself be me. "I'm
gay."
    "Since when?"
    "Fourteen," I try to smile. It feels good being
this open with him, but I'm still wired with nervous anxiety. "At
least, that's the summer I first realized I preferred the boys in
their swim trunks to the girls in their bikinis."
    "Fourteen. Fourteen ? You mean, all this time, you...
and you... I thought..."
    "Saul, I'm sorry, but I had my reasons for not
sayin' so. I..."
    I thought I had good reasons, but standing
there, looking at his face, they all seem like cowardly reasons
instead. I'd had a few scenarios imagined for how Saul might react.
It never crossed my mind that he would haul back and hit me.
     
     

Saul
     
    Soon as my fist connects with Austin's jaw, I
regret it, but I'm so fuckin' angry I could spit nails. Muttering
under my breath, "God damn sumbitch", I leave him standin' in my
room with a shocked look on his face. Guess he didn't think I'd hit
him for bein' so dishonest with me all this time. Guess he thought
I'd just grin and bear it like I always do.
    I'm Balder, after all. That's the
club name Brandon gave me while we was planin' this whole BDSM
thing in college. Balder - the Norse god 'a love, light an'
reconciliation. Balder - the stupid, trusting dope who gets killed
with a sprig 'a mistletoe.
    Looking up, I see a lock of mistletoe hanging in
the hallway, left over from Emma's Christmas decorating. Funny
shit. I'm all chuckles on the