Kiss Me First by Lottie Moggach Read Free Book Online

do, I do!’ I said. I remember thinking that I didn’t sound like myself, far more bubbly, like a girl on TV.
    ‘You know, Leila, every single day you or one of the members on the site will say something wise and wonderful that blows me away. Literally makes me whoop with delight.’ He lowered his voice. ‘I’m going to confess something to you. I like to think I’m an upbeat kind of fellow, but very occasionally I find myself getting a little depressed by the state of the world. By the banality and woolly thinking that seem to be the norm. Do you know what I mean? Do you ever feel that?’
    I nodded enthusiastically. ‘Oh, yes, definitely.’
    ‘But at times like that,’ he continued, ‘I just have to go to the site and see clever, passionate truth-seekers such as yourself, engaged with the things that really matter in the world, and I know that things will be OK.’
    He smiled at me. I remember the sun was on his face, making it glow. I think it was only then the reality of the situation really struck me. This brilliant man, whom everyone at Red Pill clamoured to impress, was, at this precise moment in time, entirely focused on me. I could see the pores in his cheeks and smell the mints on his breath. When I looked down at his feet, I could see a sliver of the socks he was wearing under his slip-on shoes. I was up close, with complete access. Randfan, for one, would have killed to be in my position; the previous week he had told the forum that he had got one of Adrian’s favourite mottos – It is not the attainment of the goal that matters, it is the things that are met along the way – tattooed around his calf.
    Although there were several people around us, their presence receded and it felt as if we were all alone, just me and him. My anxiety about the interview had also disappeared – at that point, remember, my guess was that this was about me becoming a moderator on the forum. I was, at that moment, perfectly happy. The best way I can describe it is feeling I was in a space that was exactly the right size for me.
    ‘So, Leila,’ he said, leaning back. ‘What do you think of the site? Please be honest. I really value your opinion.’
    I had anticipated this question, and told him that I thought Red Pill was an oasis of reason, a forum for intellectual enquiry, and so on. As before, Adrian seemed fascinated by my opinions. ‘Really?’ he said. ‘Gosh, that’s good to hear.’ He then told me a bit about the background to the site, most of which I already knew: how he started it in America, how Libertarianism means something slightly different over here, how the Americans were more interested in the economic side of it, whilst in the UK we got more animated over the philosophical aspects.
    He leaned forward. ‘I would never say this to anyone else, but I’m slightly more drawn to the moral side of things myself. Not to say that the economics are not important, of course. But it’s how best to live that really gets my juices flowing.’
    ‘Me too!’ I said.
    ‘For instance, the right-to-die debate we had the other week,’ said Adrian. ‘You were very passionate about that. Would it be fair to say that’s an area you’re particularly interested in?’
    ‘Yes,’ I said. I felt on firm ground here. ‘I believe that deciding upon the time and place of your death is the ultimate expression of self-ownership. It seems clear to me that anyone who professes a belief in personal freedom cannot be opposed to suicide. Freedom to choose how and when we die is a fundamental right.’
    ‘And are there conditions attached – morally speaking?’ asked Adrian. ‘Should a candidate be suffering from a terminal illness before we condone their actions?’
    I shook my head. ‘Life is about quality, not quantity, and it’s up to each individual to judge whether theirs is worth living or not.’
    As we were talking a toddler came down the path on wobbly legs. She was wearing a sun hat and cackling with