Life Stinks! by Peter Bently Read Free Book Online Page A

thing and actually
fighting
Sir Roland.
    “Never mind, never mind. We all make mistakes,” he said. “However, I am a man of my word, so I intend to keep my promise about letting you have some proper knighting experience.”
    “Really?” I said in delight. “Can I ride Prancelot around Castle Bombast? Just once?”
    “Oh, no need to wait until we get home, dear boy,” he smiled. “I am hereby giving you the honour of jousting againstSir Roland at this very tournament. Just keep your visor shut and no one will know it isn’t me.”
    So that’s why he looked so happy. He had no intention of fighting at all!
    “But Sir Percy,” I protested. “The Knight’s Code clearly states that anyone caught impersonating a knight will be banished from the kingdom!”
    “And the
Squire’s
Code clearly states that a squire must
never
refuse a present from his knight,” said Sir Percy. “You know what they say – never look a gift horse in the mouth, eh?” He chuckled at his own joke. “Now let’s get this armour off me and on to you.”
    “But Sir Percy, I’ve only ever ridden Gristle the mule,” I pleaded, reluctantly helping him to unstrap his breastplate. “And I don’t know how to fight!”
    “Mule shmule,” grinned Sir Percy. “A horse is just the same. Sit on its back, hold on tight and off you go. Just point your lance at Sir Roland and try to knock him off his horse. Don’t worry if you miss. You get three goes.”
    “Three goes?” I said.
    “Yes, dear boy,” said Sir Percy. “Three goes with a lance, three with a sword and three with a mace. That’s all there is to it. All a bit of fun really. Think of it as an excellent way to acquire some top-notchknighting skills.”
    Eeek! An excellent way to end up
dead
, more like.
    Sir Percy’s armour was way too big for me. I stuffed it with several armfuls of hay, but I still rattled around in it like a pea in a dungeon.
    “Right, now you’d better hurry up and get on Prancelot,” said Sir Percy. “I’d be delighted to give you a hand, but I have to stay out of sight. Good luck!”
    Patchcoat was still off at the joke contest so I had to mount Prancelot on my own. It was only when I tried to get into the saddle that I realized quite how enormous she was. Gristle the mule wasone thing, but a walloping great warhorse was something else entirely.
    I put my foot in the stirrup and tried to heave myself up, but I toppled flat on my back under the weight of the armour.
    Prancelot looked down at me and gave a snort.

    I struggled to my feet, took a deep breath and muttered, “Three-two-one–HUP!” This time I hauled myself up into the saddle – and almost toppled over the other side. I’d just managed to drag myself up when a man in grand robes appeared.
    “Baron Buskin Fitztightly,” he said with a nod. “Chief Herald of His Majesty the King. Sir Percy, it is time for your joust with Sir Roland. Allow me to lead you to the lists.”
    I gave Prancelot a gentle prod with my feet and held on tight as she headed for the jousting ground. It was tricky to keep my balance
and
hold Sir Percy’s lance. And to make things worse, it was starting to rain.
    I can’t believe I’m doing this
, I thought.
I can’t believe I’ve ended up with a knight who’s such a wuss.
    Ahead of me I saw the special tournament grandstand where all the top lords and ladies in the kingdom were waiting to watch the joust, sheltered from the rain. I was shaking with nerves so much that I was sure Sir Percy’s armour would start rattling.
    My heart leaped into my mouth as I entered the narrow track where the joust was to take place. I saw the faces of all the spectators turn towards me and knew there was no way I could wriggle out of this now.
    And then something weird happened.
    The aristocratic crowd began to applaud and cheer. Ladies cried, “We love you, Sir Percy!” and started throwing me flowers and ribbons and silk scarves. For a few amazing moments I forgot how