Life Stinks! by Peter Bently Read Free Book Online

one of the ladies. “And he knows how foolish it is to challenge such a brave and valiant knight as yourself!”

    “Too kind, dear lady, too kind,” beamed Sir Percy. “You may well be right. But of course that’s assuming Sir Roland
can
read!”
    Sir Percy laughed heartily at his own joke while the gaggle of ladies giggled helplessly.
    “Unfortunately,” Sir Percy went on, clearly enjoying himself, “I rather fear that Sir Roland is more interested in eating than fighting. He’s definitely getting a bit podgy these days, wouldn’t you say, ladies? In fact, when Sir Roland and I were squires, do you know what we used to call him? Roly Poly! Ha, ha, ha!”
    He laughed so loudly that it took himseveral seconds to notice that the ladies had stopped tittering.
    “Um – Sir Percy?” I said, trying to catch his attention.
    “Ha, ha, ha! Roly Poly! Oh really, Cedric, don’t interrupt. I’m just in the middle of—”
    He looked up and suddenly went very pale indeed.
    “WHAT did you just call me?” growled a familiar voice. There, red in the face, out of breath and VERY cross, stood Sir Roland the Rotten, with Walter behind him.
    “Um – er – greetings, Sir Roland,” stammered Sir Percy. “I – we – were just – um – admiring your – er – splendidphysique, weren’t we, ladies?”
    Sir Percy turned round, but the ladies had all vanished.
    “Oh yeah?” snarled Sir Roland. “Well, then maybe they’d like to hear what we called
you
when
you
were a squire. Percy the Plon—”
    “Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that, Roland old chap!” interrupted Sir Percy. “I’m – er – delighted you could make it.”
    “We nearly didn’t,” said Sir Roland. “Seems like we had intruders in the fort last night.”
    “Intruders?” said Sir Percy. “How – um – unfortunate.”
    Walter glared in my direction.
    I blushed and looked away.
    “Yeah,” glowered Sir Roland. “They glued the visors shut on my best helmets. It took Walter here ages to unstick them all, didn’t it?”
    “Yes, Sir Roland,” said Walter.
    So that’s what Patchcoat was up to!
    “But otherwise, no harm done,” said Sir Roland. “The intruders didn’t take anything.”
    “Really?” said Sir Percy, with a surprised glance at me. “They took
nothing
? Nothing at all?”
    “That’s right, Sir Percy,” Walter said smugly. He stepped forward and I saw that he was holding a gilded cage.
    I gasped. Inside the cage was a black rat!
    “See you at the joust, Percy,” laughed Sir Roland. “You’ll be a bucket of strawberry jam by the time I’ve finished with you! Walter, shift yourself. I want you to make sure my lance is
extra
sharp!”

    With that, Sir Roland stomped off. Sir Percy stared after him, then staggered backwards into the pavilion and flopped on to a chair.
    “Nice try, Fatbottom,” hissed Walter under his breath.
    “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said as innocently as I could.
    “Oh no?” sneered Walter. “Then perhaps you can explain
this
. I found it in the Great Hall.”
    He put his hand into his tunic and pulled out Patchcoat’s cap. He flung it at my feet and turned to follow Sir Roland.
    “And by the way, Stinkbottom,” he called over his shoulder. “You
stink
!”
    I stood and gawped at Walter’s back as he strutted off, carrying the black rat with him.
    “Cedric!” Sir Percy’s quavering voice interrupted my thoughts. “Kindly step inside. I’d like a quick word.”

Chapter Nine
Joust in Time
    “Well now, dear boy,” said Sir Percy. “It seems like you kidnapped the wrong rat.”
    “But I
did
catch the right rat, honest, Sir Percy,” I said. I went into the corner of the pavilion where I had put Bubo safely out of sight, and lifted a corner of the old sack that covered the cage. “See? Walter must have found a replacement.”
    But Sir Percy didn’t seem angry. To my surprise he had a big grin on his face. Maybe he was finally resigned to doing the honourable