My Best Friend Has Issues by Laura Marney Read Free Book Online

pleasant work, before I’d even finished I was looking forward to the next watering.The next job wasn’t so pleasant. I swept up the cockroach bodies from outside the front door and shook out more bug powder the way Chloe had shown me. I was careful not to drop any inside the flat. It could poison the puppies, she’d warned me.
    The chores done, I began sorting my own stuff. In my hastily packed rucksack my dirty clothes had got mixed up with my clean ones. I started to sort through them but then gave up sifting and slung everything in the washing machine. I didn’t know when I’d have access to such good facilities again.
    She probably wouldn’t mind if I borrowed something of hers, just until my own stuff was dry. I looked through the cupboards and drawers. I didn’t really have to look in the cupboards; there were plenty of Chloe’s clothes on the chair and on the floor but I wanted to find out about her. All her clothes were gorgeous. Even the names I didn’t recognise looked like they were designer: Balmain, Valentino, Mui Mui, Mulberry. Dear Lisa and Lauren, what to wear, what to wear? Will it be the Alexander McQueen dress or the Marc Jacobs skirt with the Prada top? Oh, what the hell, everything looks good on me now. Are the market stalls still selling those cheap Burberry fakes? How I pity you, you sad losers.
    I tried her perfumes and found a make-up bag full of expensive products. A bottle of foundation had burst in the bag. Everything was stuck together and a grey-green fungus was growing in the gunge.
    It was easy to tell which clothes Chloe had worn and which were clean. The dirty ones smelled like the inside of the yurt: a powerful doggy stink. Most of her clothes needed washed. I considered putting a load of hers in the machine when mine came out but I didn’t want her to think I’d been snooping.
    Some skirts were a bit long on me but otherwise everything fitted. Chloe was at least six inches taller than me but we were the same size everywhere else, even shoes. I tried tops and skirts and trousers in different combinations. If they looked this good on me, how amazing did they look on her? In the bottom drawer there was a gorgeous white lace bra and pants set wrapped in tissue inside a Victoria’s Secret box.
    My phone rang.
    I panicked.
    I had to get out of the bra and pants. If I answered the phone in them I might give myself away. I whipped the pants off and threw them across the room, distancing myself from the evidence. They landed somewhere at the back of the shoe cupboard. The bra was too tight to come off easily. My fingers fiddled behind me but I couldn’t unfasten it. I pulled the straps, yanking my arms free and forcing the delicate material down. The elasticated bra was dragging and becoming embedded in my belly flesh. I tugged at it again and heard the expensive white lace rip.
    ‘Hello?’
    ‘Hey! How’s my darlin’ girl?’ said Chloe.
    ‘Eh, fine, I just woke up,’ I said, trying to disguise my fright as sleepiness.
    ‘Actually I meant Juegita,’ Chloe laughed, ‘but okay Alison, you’re my darlin’ too.’
    She laughed again and I felt an unpleasant flush across my naked skin.
    ‘Juegita’s fine,’ I said, all bumbling. ‘I’ve filled her bowl and given her fresh water. And the pups. They’re fine too. Everything’s fine.’
    At the mention of her name Juegita toddled into the bedroom and looked me over, her expression hovering between confusion and envy. She must have longed for some multi-cupped dog bra to support her long pendulous breasts.
    ‘Great,’ said Chloe, sounding relieved. ‘And the other matter?’
    Dizzy with confusion, I had no idea what she meant. The lacey bra cups drooped like empty holsters from my hips.
    ‘The other matter?’ I repeated.
    ‘The vegetable matter.’
    Finally I hauled myself clear of the torn bra, the elastic snapping painfully against my skin. I lifted it at arms length and moved to the shoe cupboard to recover the pants.