Recovery by John Berryman Read Free Book Online

or you can drink, just as you like. You’ve all got to seek each other out and level with each other and take the risk of confronting each other, namely give each other hell. It’s your only chance to get well. Well, we don’t say “well”: weller. Now the first thing is that nothing said in this room goes outside. Nothing. Got that? Nothing. And the other thing is that we’re not going to do any treatment today.’ Severance seethed amazement and chagrin: why the hell not? ‘Keg will take over from here.’
    Keg rose and stood with his back to the blackboard. He looked bitter. ‘You’ve got to have some disciplines. The other patients may not need them—in my opinion they do—but certainly you do. I want everybody to think and write out whatever things he thinks he or she ought to do every day. Don’t take on too much, but take on anything you think is necessary to create a chance for your sobriety. Tomorrow I’ll tally the results. That’s all for now, people. Get to work on your Programmes.’
    The patients seemed, some uneasy, more stunned, by the rapidity and unexpectedness of this development—or lack of development, as Severance put it angrily to Mary-Jane in the corridor, ‘What do you think about it?’
    â€˜I suppose they know what they’re doing,’ she said looking up at him in a reserved, friendly way. She did not seem at all sure of herself, and he felt a moment’s pity for this low-voiced ruin of a young gentlewoman, haggard and elegant even in old jeans, a shapeless sweater over thin shoulders.
Thirty-two, say? surely she had been beautiful and recently, with her highpiled rich brown hair wispy over a pale creased forehead and large concerned brown eyes. ‘It’s a cinch we’re no judge of anything, or I know I’m not.’
    â€˜It’s a goddamn waste of Group-time,’ he said savagely. ‘And it’s so unlike Keg. I don’t know anything about this Harley but I was in Vin’s Group with Keg last Spring, He’s not about to let anybody off any hook. Why this vacation? I’m very busy myself.’
    She smiled. ‘Don’t be, Alan. Easy does it, if anything. When did you come back in?’
    â€˜Sunday night. How about you?’
    â€˜This is my second week. End of it.’
    â€˜How does it seem to be going?’
    â€˜I didn’t get anywhere for ten days.’ She paused and then went on reluctantly, ‘But I made a breakthrough last Friday.’ She sounded dubious.
    Severance heard reality, though, and spurted excitement. ‘Marvellous. What happened, if you want to tell me? Come on in my room five minutes if you’re free. We’ve got the whole damn morning.’
    She sat gently on the side of his unmade bed, crossing her narrow jeans and locking one meagre ankle behind the other. Her cheeks were hollow, less pale than her brow. She looked very calm. He tapped her out a cigarette and lighted it.
    â€˜I was having a war with Julitta. I hated her guts. I wasn’t thinking of leaving, but really I felt awful, pure bitter. Then a friend I made at Howarden last year came to see me and gave me the word: Julitta was trying to help me. My God, that was hard to accept. But somehow she seemed all different the next day—Friday—or I just was seeing her with different eyes; and we made friends, and I broke down, and that was it. I’ve felt changed since. I have a long long way to go, new friend, but I’ve got some hope. I love Julitta.’

    â€˜Well, Christ, I can’t imagine loving Julitta, but I see what you mean. The same thing happened to me with Vin, or even more so. I admired him all right—he’s spectacular, blazing with invention and knowledge of life, wonderfully creative and quick—but I thought he was arrogant and cruel and I wasn’t at all clear that he was sincere. I’d watched him and Keg