What Abi Taught Us by Lucy Hone Read Free Book Online

from the trauma of Abi’s sudden and utterly unexpected death, and how readily we’ve managed to juggle sadness and continued living, and mostly maintained full psychological and physical functioning. Even after the death of a child. Discovering that there are plenty of others like us has made me feel less as if we’re unfeeling or freakish. Reading accounts of resilient grievers who have continued to suffer negative emotions, misery and longing for their loved ones, but done so while carrying on with full and rewarding lives, somehow makes it feel more okay to act this way.
    Because it’s so important, I’m going to repeat this one more time. Studies show most people make a good recovery from the psychological and social effects of significant disasters, including bereavement. They also show resilience requires very ordinary processes. Karen Reivich describes these processes as a stew, containing lots of different ingredients, some of which we willhave in plentiful supply, some we may be running low on. We may not like the taste of some of them; others will immediately appeal to us. I like to think of it as a jigsaw puzzle, but, ultimately, it’s up to us to find the things that help us process what’s happened and relearn how to live in the world we are faced with.
    10 TOOLS TO BUILD RESILIENCE
    Dennis Charney and Steve Southwick are among the leading world experts in the neurobiology and treatment of mood and anxiety disorders, as well as the neurobiology of resilience to stress. They have found that psychological stress alters brain functions; certain identified key factors are related to resilience; and it is very possible to train yourself to be more resilient. They have identified the following 10 tools for promoting resilience.
    1. Adopt a positive attitude:
    • Optimism is strongly related to resilience (‘sounds trivial, but it’s really hard’).
    • Optimism is in part genetic (‘but genes are not destiny and you can make yourself more optimistic’).
    • Optimism can be learned (via tools such as cognitive behavioural therapy).
    • Unbridled and unrealistic optimism (aka ‘Pollyanna optimism’) is not good and gets you in trouble.
    • A truly optimistic person confronts the brutal facts of their current reality, accurately appraises the trauma and situation, but simultaneously has the confidence that they will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
    2. Think flexibly:
    • Cognitive flexibility through cognitive reappraisal is strongly related to resilience.
    • Traumatic experiences can be re-evaluated by altering the event’s perceived value and meaningfulness.
    • Benefits can be derived from stress and trauma: it is possible to reframe, assimilate, accept and recover; these skills can be learned.
    • Failure is an essential ingredient for growth.
    3. Embrace a personal moral compass:
    • Developing a set of core beliefs that very few things can shatter is strongly related to resilience.
    • For many this takes the form of faith in conjunction with strong religious and/or spiritual beliefs, but it doesn’t have to be so.
    • Altruism (giving to others) has been strongly related to resilience.
    • Having a survivor’s mission is also strongly related.
    4. Find a resilient role model:
    • Role models are important; they can be found in your own life but you don’t have to know them (e.g. Viktor Frankl, Nelson Mandela).
    • Imitation is a very powerful mode of learning.
    5. Face your fears:
    • Fear is a normal part of life and can be used as a guide; facing your fears can increase your self-esteem.
    • Learn and practise skills necessary to move through fear.
    6. Develop active coping skills:
    • Resilient individuals use active, rather than passive, coping skills.
    • Minimise your appraisal of the stressor, create positive statements about yourself, and actively seek support from others.
    7. Establish and nurture a supportive social network:
    • Very few can ‘go