10 Things to Do Before I Die by Daniel Ehrenhaft Read Free Book Online

shakes her head. “Oh, Ted … you are drunk. I know What guys look like When they get drunk. I have two older brothers, remember? Hockey players?”
    I swallow. Sure, I remember: Lou and Frankie. The twins. How could I forget? They’re twenty years old, violent, and built like refrigerators. They aren’t my biggest fans, either. The one time I met them, they called me Forrest Chump. I doubt if they even know my real name. And they’re home from college for spring break, Which means they’re probably bored and looking for some action—like, say, pummeling their sister’s clownish boyfriend because he got “drunk” and blew her off.
    “I bet I know What happened,” Rachel mumbles. She stares at her feet. “I bet Mark and Nikki roped you into getting drunk With them after school, right? Because it’s the first day of spring break and all? And since you have a crush on Nikki, you Went along With them.”
    “Rachel, come on! Do you know how ridiculous that is? Do you even know What just happened to me? I Was practically shot.”
    She pauses. “Shot?”
    “Well, not technically. I mean, it Was only a Water gun. But still, it Was—”
    “A Water gun?” If I saw a flicker of forgiveness in her eyes, it’s gone.
    “Well, you sort of had to be there. It Would take too long to explain. The point is I’m not drunk and I don’t have a crush on Nikki. I Went to the diner With her and Mark, just like I told you I Was going to do. Then Leo, this crazy fry-cook … See, he burst in and threatened to kill us, and then Mark tackled him, and then I started feeling sick. So I stopped by St. Vincent’s. That’s Why I’m late.”
    Rachel just stares at me. Finally she shakes her head again.
    “That’s the best lie you can come up With?” she Whispers. “It doesn’t even make any sense, Ted.”

My Wild Daydream Problem
    “Ted, What’s Wrong?” Rachel asks me pointedly. “I mean, really?”
    I shrug. “I just don’t feel Well.”
    “Well, then, I should go, right?”
    “No, Rachel, don’t go. I’m sorry. Come upstairs.”
    “Why? You’re drunk.”
    For a terrible second I almost make a stupid Wisecrack. I almost say, “Okay, so maybe you should get drunk, too.” But I don’t.
    Unfortunately, I do start thinking …
    What Would happen if We actually did get drunk?
    I could break into my parents’ liquor cabinet, per Mark’s suggestion. I could pour us some Wine. I could dim the lights. I could put on Mom and Dad’s Feel the Love, 1975! compilation CD. (The liner notes: Not Sold in Any Store! All Hits by the Original Recording Artists!) The music is soft and funky—and just cheesy enough to be romantic. The CD cover is brilliant, too: a fuzzy ski-lodge-style photo of a seventies couple by a fire-place on a bearskin rug, gazing into each other’s eyes and drinking from crystal goblets. The man is tanned and swarthy, like a pirate. Thick hair blankets his open-shirted chest. The Woman is skinny, blond, and bug-eyed. She’s Wearing an oversized lime green turtleneck. The fat collar hangs down over her puny bust like a sexy polyester necklace. I could suggest to Rachel that We dress up exactly like the couple in the photo, and drink Wine, and pretend that We’re feeling the love, circa 1975—
    “Ted?” Rachel says.
    “Huh?”
    “Is this funny to you?”
    “Is What funny?”
    “You’re smiling. Have you heard a Word I’ve said?”
    “Yes!” I lie, too emphatically. “Of course I have. It’s just … I Want to lie down.”
    She sighs. “You know, Ted, you’ve got problems.”
    “I agree.”
    “It’s this avoidance thing,” she says. “It really bums me out. Whenever you don’t Want to deal With something, you just run away.”
    I’m not sure how to respond. She has a point.
    “You didn’t Want to deal With the Amnesty retreat application, right?” she asks. “So you blew it off to hang out With your friends and get drunk. Which is fine. I mean, it’s the first day of spring